Its the fourth week of school. I have been living at school for 4 weeks now and today is the day i decided to hang my posters up..
I have an elephant on one wall and a quotes one on the other wall along with “Be Proud of who you are not ashamed of how someone else sees you” written on a canvas.
I stress over stupid things… Like i have a quiz tomorrow in comp sci ( okay maybe i should be stressed about that) I am stressed about what i can and cannot talk about when it comes to
my relationship. Instead of going with the flow lately it seems that i am pushing the chains… trying to swim upstream.
Am i doing the right thing? Am i going into the right field?
I mean yes being a female in a male dominated field has its up,
like im a minority people are more likely to choose me but at the same time i am still going to make far less than my male counterpart. Even if i am more level headed or logical.
I bought a new computer a week ago and i think it was a good investment. I am still getting used to the keyboard but that will get better as time goes by. I am tired.
Tired of not living in the fantasy world that was the the relationship of 4 and a half years. While i am over him.
Im not over the fact that i had depression as well as anxiety during the entire relationship. I didnt see the signs of what was happening until it was too late.
Sibling didnt want to tell me what to do but she knew he wasnt meant to be with me.
I dont understand why guys become invested in me? I think its because they see a lot in myself that i dont see. They see the beauty in the scars,blemishes, and stretch marks. I dont see that.
They see past everything and look at me for being me… My personality is something else…. I dont know why anybody would want to be with me- a person who swears like a drunken sailor when upset.
When i have to talk out what is happening for my brain to comprehend what it is that i should do next. I try to be frugal. I try not to spend money on things that i dont need.
Because i know what its like to not have money. I used to be really really bad with it. Thats why i try not to use it on stupid unnecessary items.
( a couple things slip through the cracks but really i need stickers for the front of the new laptop plus they are cheap and they ….
i dont know why i am explaining myself to y’all its not like you care) I was told that i was going to be the responsible one in the relationship… I dont know if that is completely true or not.
I dont think that i want to be on campus next year because i believe that being off campus will be cheaper… well hopefully we are not to far off campus so i would be able to walk everyday.
( i enjoy walking ..
i just need to learn to not brisk walk everywhere because it burns my fucking calves…) I am trying to back off of social media sites ( mainly facebook) because for a while that was my
only source of anger.. I would see one persons posts and that would tick me off… i wonder if she is the same way about me now… Now that im not who i was….
idk i still question if i ever really changed… im different.but im not special.
I am unique but there are millions of other people just like me thinking that they have their life together… I like to think that i am good at math… but if you are passionate about it whats
the point of being good at it? Today was the first day in awhile that i truly enjoyed tutoring and i wasnt hiding from people like i usually do.
For some reason certain areas of calc 1 and 2, i enjoyed doing and i loved that feeling where the student actually gets it. Like it truly clicks with them.
Small changes in wording helps kids to understand what is going on. I enjoy watching the other tutors teach because we each have a specific way of how we tutor.
We each are distinct yet we somehow blend together…. idk somedays im all freaked out about the future and other days im like. sleep now worry later…