I had a really wonderful weekend. Like really really wonderful. The past five days have actually been good. Five whole days in a row.
I always feel weird saying that I’m proud of myself, but I’m really proud so I’m going to say it anyway.
I don’t think I’ll ever reach a place where I’m “cured” and that has been hard to come to terms with,
but being in a place where I know what I need and I can be kind to myself and speak up and really take good care is a pretty damn good place to be. It takes a lot of work, but I’m doing my best.
And I guess that’s why I’m proud. 5 days of feeling good seems like a really big accomplishment.yesterday I did absolutely nothing, but in the best way possible. a self-care day of sorts I guess.
it was rainy so I cuddled with the dog and read two books and watched tv and had a schoolwork free day to just relax and unwind because I needed one of those days.
I ate mac and cheese and also some ice cream and went to sleep at 9:00 and it was perfect.
today I saw my best friend and we went to our old college to see some other friends and I truly had the most wonderful time.
my bff is the most special person and we’ve both been through so much and I love her so dearly.
we’re really similar in a lot of ways,
but also total opposites in that she’s loud and outgoing and completely unapologetic and usually embarrasses me in public but also brings out a really fun side in me that I
often forget I’m allowed to have. she makes me laugh and she makes me feel safe and things always feel right when I’m with her.
we had an hour long drive so I made a playlist on my phone with lots of her favorite songs and every time a new one came on she’d get emotional over the fact that I remembered it.
we always have the best talks in the car and I look forward to driving with her anywhere even if it’s only for five minutes. things get deep as hell and I love it.
there are very few people who I can be joking with one second, and discussing my mental health in detail with the next. and she is one of about three. I’m thankful for that.
freshmen year, we were in this mental health advocacy club together called active minds. we were both deeply passionate about it, but never really discussed why.
it wasn’t until years later that we learned why we were each so personally invested and ever since then we’ve been quietly fighting our battles together.
today we were singing along to jefferson airplane and then turned down the radio real quick to talk about that time I was hallucinating for two weeks,
and then she told me about how she had to get away from her boyfriend last week because she suddenly got paranoid he was going to kidnap her and kill her.
we laughed at how crazy we were and then went back to singing. I love that. sunday nights are usually filled with dread for me.
I never feel ready to face the week and spend a lot of time wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. but today I feel ok.
what’s that phrase about rose colored glasses? I’m trying to see the world that way. school feels better, my internship feels better. a lot of things feel better. I haven’t cried since tuesday.
I haven’t felt anxious since wednesday. I’m not all that sad. I so badly want it to stay like this.
I know it won’t but I feel like I’m taking important steps every day and working to make these good stretches last just a little bit longer each time. five days is a lot. tomorrow will be six.
I’m really proud.