i'm fine

by anna

I wish I could stop myself from crying.

Find a way to stop these tears from streaming down my face.

They don't even realize they're hurting me.

They think they're making harmless comments, it's not their fault I can't handle it.

So I turn away.

Because I don't want them to feel guilty because what they said probably wasn't that bad, I'm just overreacting. Right?

Sometimes, it's not even other people.

I just get in my own head and I can't find a way out and why am I crying I should not be crying I need. To stop. Crying.

Maybe I should let someone know.

Tell them what's happening, ask for advice, let them tell me it's okay.

But I know that I wouldn't believe what they're telling me.

They probably just pity me. Why am I burdening them with my problems? They didn't ask for this. There's no reason I need to drown them with my sorrow. They don't need to suffer for my problems.

So I keep myself quiet.

When I feel the tears coming, I turn away, I don't let them see my face.

And I force the tears away.

When my eyes are finally dry, I turn back to them and force a smile.

"Are you okay?"

They seem like they care, but they're probably just faking it. Why would anyone care for me? I don't deserve them.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

But I'm not, and I wish I could tell them that, but I don't know how.

I'm fine.

Except maybe I'm not.