I felt you slipping away. Slowly but surely. You told me that you just had a lot on your mind, was working a lot, and was super sleepy.
I had this feeling in my gut telling me that you were losing hope in me and my recovery but I tried my hardest to make myself believe that your excuses were true.
I tried and tried and while I managed to make myself believe it at times, I always knew at the back of my mind that you were lying. I had thought the world of you.
I loved you more than anyone in my family. I loved you more than I loved my sister and for you to grow so distant just killed me.
I could take it from anyone else, but you? That was a completely different story.
That particular night that I cut... I know you remember. I remember it, too.
That night, I burned so many bridges and while I managed to rebuild some of those bridges, there were some that were too damaged to rebuild.
The fire burning your bridge just kept burning and burning and there was nothing I could do to put it out. It just burned and burned and burned until there was nothing there anymore.
The bridge that I once cherished so much and had once allowed us to meet each other halfway was gone.
I remember coming to that bridge and meeting you there. We would laugh and make jokes. You even told me at one point that you thought of me as your daughter.
I never told you but, in my head, I considered you my mom. We met there a lot but each time we met, you stayed shorter and shorter until you no longer used that bridge at all.
I still went though. I don't know if you ever saw me up there from where you were but I was there. Night after night after night even though you hadn't come to the bridge in a while.
I held out hope that, one of those days, you would think of me, miss me, and meet me there again. But you didn't.
That night, I only remember flashes of what happened. I remember cutting myself and I remember my uncle coming in and trying to convince me to give him the blade but I didn't.
I was gone at that point. I just kept cutting. I don't remember who else was in the room. All I remember was hands. Hands that kept trying to grab me to stop me from hurting myself.
You showed up in a few minutes with your kids in the car. I remember you screaming things at me while I sat on the sidewalk outside one of my neighbors house, cutting myself.
But I never heard them. All I heard was this voice in my head, telling me that I had to cut and that I couldn't stop. I remember crying hysterically but that was it.
You told me later that I was screaming like a crazy person but I don't remember that either.
While I was in the hospital, you never visited. It was then that I knew for sure that you had given up on me.
The second that thought crossed my mind, I stopped caring about anything and everything. You didn't know it but you were all that I felt that I had and without you, I crumbled.
I crumbled and you didn't care.
Both of us said and did things to burn this bridge. We both kept pouring fuel onto the flames.
I wish things could change and we can go back to how we were and I'm so sorry that things had ended so badly.
If I could, I would take it all back but when things burn, all we're ever left with is the ashes.
The ashes are all we have now and while I collected as much ashes as I could to keep a part of you with me, I know you had long ago let go and moved on.
But I'm still standing there, with the ashes of our relationship in my hands, waiting, but I know you'll never come back.