It's not allowed to say it.
I've known for a while now, but I can't say it.
It shines on my forehead like greasy skin, you can smell it in the blankets like a silent fart, it's obvious when my pupils suddenly become heart-shaped.
It shows up every time you feed me, right in the mouth, without me asking, every time you shut up when i cry and say I wanna die, every time you roll me a joint,
every time you just know which sauce I like on my fries, every time your brush my hair when I start to complain about my boss.
You know it. I know it. I know you know it. You know I know it.
But still, I can't say it.
It's cumbersome, it stuck in my throat, and I swallow, and I swallow and I cough and I try to clear it but I can still feel my myocardium at the tip of my tongue.
You don't need to hear but I need to say it.
Cause if I don't say it, I'm gonna throw it up between the turkey and the pumpkin pie,
I'm gonna sweat it out, wide perspiration marks in the shape of the L word.
It's gonna grow in my chest, like an extra limb of joy, and pierce my abdomen like in Alien.
If I don't say it, I'm gonna rot from the inside and it's gonna ooze fucking unicorns and cotton candy.
And above all, if I don't say it, you won't know you're lovable.
But still, I can't say it.
Because If I say I love you, you will hear "love me back".
If I say I love you, you will hear "be that way".
If I say I love you, you will feel the tickling of ropes dancing and tightening up around your neck.
You will hear expectations and demands, you will feel pressure. You’ll be a deer hearing branches creaking.
But I don't love you if.
I don't love you but.
I don't love you as long as you.
I don't love you despit of.
I just love you.
I love you because I love.
I love you because I'm a lover.
And yes you're brillant, and you're funny, and tolerant and your penis is gorgeous but so what.
Honey, it is easy to love you when you're high,
and when there's a swimming pool around,
when I've been missing you,
and when we agree on every topic.
Truth is, I learnt to fall in love with every cigaret you smoke,
every liter of coffee you chug,
every time you clear your throat loudly,
I love you every time you're drunk and a motherfucker idiot.
I love you when you're rude and you pretend that you're mean.
I love the way you just can't call me your girlfriend,
how you always have to wait hours to answer my texts,
with carefully chosen words.
I love your freedom and I love your cage.
I love your truth and I love your mask.
I love that your work is more important than me.
I love you every time you push me away.
Every time you say I piss you off.
Every time you fuck another girl.
Useless, pointless, unconditionnal love.
I love that you don't take an interest in my poems and say << It's just not my thing >>.
I love that you don't realize that the only thing you're risking with me, lover,
is just to be happy.