I can't say it.

It's not allowed to say it.

I've known for a while now, but I can't say it.

It shines on my forehead like greasy skin, you can smell it in the blankets like a silent fart, it's obvious when my pupils suddenly become heart-shaped.

It shows up every time you feed me, right in the mouth, without me asking, every time you shut up when i cry and say I wanna die, every time you roll me a joint,

every time you just know which sauce I like on my fries, every time your brush my hair when I start to complain about my boss.

You know it. I know it. I know you know it. You know I know it.

But still, I can't say it.

It's cumbersome, it stuck in my throat, and I swallow, and I swallow and I cough and I try to clear it but I can still feel my myocardium at the tip of my tongue.

You don't need to hear but I need to say it.

Cause if I don't say it, I'm gonna throw it up between the turkey and the pumpkin pie,

I'm gonna sweat it out, wide perspiration marks in the shape of the L word.

It's gonna grow in my chest, like an extra limb of joy, and pierce my abdomen like in Alien.

If I don't say it, I'm gonna rot from the inside and it's gonna ooze fucking unicorns and cotton candy.

And above all, if I don't say it, you won't know you're lovable.

But still, I can't say it.

Because If I say I love you, you will hear "love me back".

If I say I love you, you will hear "be that way".

If I say I love you, you will feel the tickling of ropes dancing and tightening up around your neck.

You will hear expectations and demands, you will feel pressure. You’ll be a deer hearing branches creaking.

But I don't love you if.

I don't love you but.

I don't love you as long as you.

I don't love you despit of.

I just love you.

I love you because I love.

I love you because I'm a lover.

And yes you're brillant, and you're funny, and tolerant and your penis is gorgeous but so what.

Honey, it is easy to love you when you're high,

and when there's a swimming pool around,

when I've been missing you,

and when we agree on every topic.

Truth is, I learnt to fall in love with every cigaret you smoke,

every liter of coffee you chug,

every time you clear your throat loudly,

I love you every time you're drunk and a motherfucker idiot.

I love you when you're rude and you pretend that you're mean.

I love the way you just can't call me your girlfriend,

how you always have to wait hours to answer my texts,

with carefully chosen words.

I love your freedom and I love your cage.

I love your truth and I love your mask.

I love that your work is more important than me.

I love you every time you push me away.

Every time you say I piss you off.

Every time you fuck another girl.

Useless, pointless, unconditionnal love.

I love that you don't take an interest in my poems and say << It's just not my thing >>.

I love that you don't realize that the only thing you're risking with me, lover,

is just to be happy.