They say you reap what you sow. I never understood that until only recently.
I have held onto grudges, I have said many hurtful things.
In High School I used to pick fun at people trying to make my friends laugh.
Acceptance was all I wanted, Yet I would do some of the most hurtful things to get it.
I would sell out, my beliefs, my intentions, worse my reputation.
I became known for it, a human wrecking ball. I could reduce someone to tears by watching and learning their weaknesses.
I would wait until they were at their most vulnerable.
And then without warning, unleash an overwhelming bombardment of insult and abuse.
I am not proud of this and I guess that person I was is so much the reason I am the me now.
I hit rock bottom, drug abuse, homelessness, I had to regain my faith and work my way back up
The one man that helped me the most was someone I was always the hardest on, My father.
I used to imagine being something, someone greater than he was. So I could prove that I was better. I used to laugh and mock him on occasion when he was wrong.
I found it so easy to tear him down, that it became a habit. When my father went through a hard emotional time. Instead of the support he deserved, he got ridicule from friends and family.
When I was 20, I was engaged, I was happy. And I believed that.
That's when things went upside down. My fiance decided the love in our relationship wasn't enough,
so she sourced extra love in another man. I became incomplete, I found holes in my soul I couldn't fill.
I believed that the temporary high I could buy, would fill the hole. And for those short hours I was at peace.
I struggled for almost 2 years with substance abuse, and became a weak, troubled man.
Friends of my parents tried to help me, I pushed them away. It was only toward the end of my 2 year Hell that I was willing to ask for help. I reached out, and immediately I felt it.
My Father, the man I had shunned and ridiculed my entire life, reached out took my hand.
And I will never forget his words. "I love you, and no matter how bad you think you've become, I always will."
I decided to focus on me for a while. But someone out there had a better idea of what I needed.
I met this beautiful brunette girl at a food court where I had applied for a job. We became close very quickly and it scared me. I wasn't ready.
She waited and we were good friends and would meet with work mates at first. Then just us after a while.
Fast track to 3 years later and I looked into her eyes and read my vows.
Another 2 years and our Daughter was born.
Then despite all I had believed earlier in my life. I learnt what happiness was.
I live what happiness is.
I feel complete.
I have filled the hole in my soul.
I am the richest man, because I have them.
I am truly happy that you do only live once. I wish for anyone reading this that you too will find what it is you're seeking. This is a true story of my life and I do not usually share it.
But I know how hard it is at times and my writing was my way out.
To anyone reading this that needs help or would like some help getting through the tough times. Please ring someone, tell a friend, family. Ring a hotline. If you want to message me, please do.
If this reaches just one person and it makes a difference, it was worth it.
Love you all, Andrew