the first time i saw you, it wasn't love at first sight.
it was after i had
memorized the way your voice sounded when you laughed,
and the both geometrical and abstract shapes that the freckles on your back made,
and dipped my toes into the cold water of your eyes.
my love for you had formed gradually as it all came clear to me that you were exactly what i had been looking for all my life.
and i promised myself that i wouldn't fall in love with you, but i was never any good at keeping promises, was i?
and it was 2AM,
and i was laughing way too hard,
and i felt happier than i had in the longest time.
and there was something about you that could make a wilted daisy bloom into a rose,
and i knew i was screwed.
and then it was 2:43AM,
and i made you laugh,
and the sound that came out of your mouth made all of the stars in my sky align,
and the heavens opened up and rained their love down on me,
and i looked at you, and i just loved you.
and it terrified me.
it terrified me just how much i loved you,
and it terrified me what i knew i was willing to do for your love.
when i looked at you, i saw beautiful things,
and i couldn't help but hope that when you looked at me you saw the same.
but i don't have sharp, perfect features,
or eyes like the ocean that you could swim in for a turn.
i know that i'm completely ordinary, and nothing special, but i still couldn't help myself from hoping that you would't replace me.
but you did.
and then i understood why you didn't love me, and i completely understand why you never will.
i always imagined you as someone who would stare at me and smile when i wasn't looking because you were so in love with me,
like i did to you,
but when i tried to catch you in the act of it i found you looking at her instead.
and then you caught my eye and maybe even smiled,
but all i remember is that even though we sat there together, i was alone.
with you, i was always alone.
brown eyes were never my favourite, until i had swam in yours.
and people say that you can only drown in the colour blue,
but you had soft brown eyes that reminded me of the sadness in the rain,
and your curls were like the softest of waves,
and you were both as wild and as calm as the water, as dangerous and beautiful,
and you had a soul as vast and as deep as the ocean,
and i guess that i didn't mind drowning in you.
but the water was deeper than i thought, and i didn't know how to swim like this.
i tired to get out of the water,
but with you, there were never any butterflies on the surface to save me.
and it burned so bad, i rather drown in you than be burned by you.
and i was okay with that.
after a while, it didn't even feel like i was drowning anymore.
my arms were tried, and my legs had given up.
i wasn't even trying to swim in you anymore, and there was no one else to save me.
after a while, i wasn't drowning anymore.
i was sinking.
when you left, you took everything with you.
the only thing that you left was this big, empty hole in the middle of my chest where you used to be, as a reminiscence of you.
and that hole was letting the water inside of me,
it was the hole in my sinking boat.
it was weighing me down.
and then i wondered how much of what was weighing me down, in the place of you, was actually mine to burden.
and i'm watching the thunderstorm outside of my window.
i wonder if the rain is the same water i died in,
and if the lightning carries the same voltage that runs through my veins when i think of you. - e