it's you. || 2/4 scientists, somewhere, are looking for absolute silence.
i remember that night after i got home, because it was the night i pulled an all-nighter and fell apart.
10:58 PM - it's 10:58 PM,
and i'm sitting on my bed pathetically waiting for my phone to light u with you texting me a sorry.
with every tick of my watch, and all thirteen times the numbers on the clock change, i can feel you ignoring me.
this is killing me. the anxiety of you forgetting about me is killing me.
11:11 PM - it's 11:11 PM,
and all i wish for in this whole, wide world is you.
i need you, and it's not beautiful or romantic like it's made out to be. it's fucking painful.
oh man, i really, really, really, really, really, really, really wish that you were here with me.
but by the time i brought myself to wish for you out loud, the numbers on my clock changed to read 11:12, and i realized that you were really gone.
11:57 PM - it's 11:57 PM,
and i'm crying.
i never used to cry until you came along.
i'm not used to the way my tears feel when they stick to my eyelashes like heavy, sticky dew, or the aching feeling in my chest that only you can fix.
you've only been gone a few hours, but i can already feel my sweater starting to lose your smell, along with the safety i felt when i was with you.
i can feel you forgetting about me, and i can't help the throbbing in my chest that just wants for you to come back.
i wish that my friends would stop texting me sweet nothings to try and get me by. i know they're only doing it because they care, but they only make me miss you more.
i wish that google could tell me how to stop feeling this pain.
12:08 AM - it's 12:08 AM,
and i'm praying that by some miracle, i will forget your name.
that the sun will rise in the morning, and i will wake up from this nightmare.
but i opened my eyes to find myself here, cursing your name out at 12:08 AM like it's the only word i know how to say, shivering in the moonlight coming in from my window suffocating in the nightmare of what you did to me,
12:46 AM - it's 12:46 AM,
and i'm beginning to question how i survived all those years without you.
simply because you are the only thing that can hold all of my broken pieces together.
but now you're gone, and it's all starting to fall apart again.
1:07 AM - it's 1:07 AM,
and my phone finally lit up with a text from you.
but instead of saying sorry, you told me that you think she could be the one. that you think that you love her.
with shaky hands, and burning salt stained cheeks, i texted you back.
" i'm happy for you . "
you left me on read.
1:37 AM - it's 1:37 AM,
and i'm really cold, and everything is really blurry, and this ache in my chest is suffocating me, and these walls are closing in on me, and i can't stop shaking and all i really know is that i need you here with me.
but i'm alone, and you're with her instead.
2:38 AM - it's 2:38 AM,
and i just took my fourth shot.
by some mystery, all four of them were easier to swallow than the thought of what you did to me.
yes, they burned my throat, but the thought of you burned my brain and made my body ache so bad, all i wanted was to forget you existed, and what it was like to touch you.
but instead, all i forget was my name and that i needed to go to bed.
i thought of what happened earlier, and i kept going, but it wasn't until later, when i woke up with a pounding migraine, that i realized that i could never drink enough to forget about you.
turns out that sober or drunk, you're the only thing that is always on my mind.
3:12 AM - it's 3:12 AM,
and i'm onto my first of four cigarettes.
the air is cold on my face, as i have my head out the window, blowing smoke out into this strange and lonely night.
the cigarettes remind me of you.
i'm addicted to them, just like i'm addicted to the taste that your words left in me, but it turns out that you never felt as deep as i did about things.
if my mom knew what i was doing, she would yell about what i was doing to my body, but i don't care.
i don't care if these cigarettes ruin my lungs, or if all this crying makes my migraine worse, or if the alcohol ruins my body.
at least they are keeping the thought of you from ruining my brain.
3:58 AM - it's 3:58 AM,
and i'm scrolling through your instagram feed and listening to that stupid fucking song that reminds me of you.
every pictures of you burns into my brain, making my body ache,
and every lyric shoots into me like a bullet marked with your name.
i relate every lyric i hear to you, even though you aren't mine any more.
instagram is probably getting really tired of me stalking your page, and my apple music is probably getting really tired of me hitting the loop button on that stupid fucking song.
the alcohol and nicotine haven't even begun to wear off yet, and neither have you.
4:19 AM - it's 4:19 AM,
and i'm sitting on the floor in front of my mirror, chewing on my nails, thinking about you.
my vision doubles, but i see you.
i drink in every sip the mirror pours for me, and it tastes like you and soberness.
but i don't want to be sober, i want to be with you.
there are bloodstains on the carpet from my chewed-up fingers where i leaned forward on my hands to be closer to you.
if i have to be by myself for one more minute, i might just slam my head into this fucking glass.
5:27 AM - it's 5:27 AM,
and i dreamt of you in the last hour.
we were laughing again, and you even kissed me, and loved me again.
you put your hand on my cheek, and it felt like i was the only one that you would touch like that.
but it was all lies, since that's how you touched her too.
it's 5:27 AM, and i woke up crying.
6:04 AM - it's 6:04 AM,
and i can't fall asleep anymore.
every time i close my eyes, that dream replays in my head on loop.
the image of you burns behind my eyelids.
the thought of you has made its home in the back of my brain.
7:01 AM - it's 7:01 AM,
and i just woke my mom up.
i asked her if our hours was ever really haunted in the first place,
or if the dead girl walking up and down the empty halls in silence was just me all along.
scientists, somewhere, are looking for absolute silence.
they obviously don't know about the
ghosts that you left behind,
or the one that you turned me into. - e