Because I received some joyful new today,
That I'll be an aunt once more, to a beautiful niece come October. And I'm so incredibly excited to meet her,
But for a good few hours, I couldn't let myself be happy today...
Because today is also the birthday of an old friend, whose life ended before she really had a chance to live. She would've been twenty-two today.
And it all felt too heavy. I felt crippled by the grief.
But against my better judgement, I got out of bed. I chose to be productive.
I cleaned my house. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich. Completed small and simple tasks.
I allowed myself to breathe. To live. To let go of this weight that has ensnared me, for five long years.
I gave my grief to my God who is capable enough to hold it. Because I'm not strong enough anymore.
I decided that perhaps letting go doesn't negate all the grieving I've done. I determined that losing someone didn't give me permission not to have joy.
So despite the sorrow that this day carries on it's back, it actually turned out to be a pretty good day.
And I'm learning to be okay with that.