When I was born, did you plan to do all the things you did to me? Did you plan to leave my life for years? Did you plan to molest me?
Was it a decision made in an instant, or was it thought out and planned? All I ever wanted from you was your support and love. I guess you loved me in a different way.
Our journey started when I was so young. You would make all these promises to see me, you said you loved me. I was the one waiting by the window for hours wondering why Daddy lied again.
Mom was the one left to pick up the pieces you would rip me into every time you promised to come. Fast forward a few years, the calls got less and less.
You didn’t care enough to even make those promises to see me anymore. Then one day, the calls stopped coming all together. You were gone.
Why, Daddy? Why did you leave me? I was blessed enough to have a Dad step into your place.
He was the one that taught me right from wrong, the one that chased the monsters out of the closet and kissed the scraped knee. He was the one working 3 jobs to support his family.
He was the one that cried the first time I was admitted to the hospital for my suicidal behavior. He still is the one that is here.
He tells me when I’m being an idiot and I need to pull my head out of my ass. He’s the one I call when I’m broken down on the side of the road.
He’s the one to hug his grandchildren and show them what a grandfather should be, not you Daddy.
Does that make you sad? Does it make you cringe knowing you will never get to know the woman I become and the amazing family I am creating?
It makes me sad, Daddy, even with all the horrible things you’ve done.
You came back into my life, Daddy. I got a letter from you one day explaining how your leaving wasn’t my fault. I cried really hard, Daddy.
There’s times I wish I never would have called you that day. I still have that letter you wrote me on the yellow paper.
We started building a relationship but you weren’t a daddy, you were a friend. We would swap crazy party stories and you would laugh telling me how much like you I was.
I was proud then to be like you, Daddy. When things got bad at home, I moved in with you. I was ecstatic. I finally had my Daddy being a dad, or so I thought.
You would make comments about how my short shorts looked good on me and I was a very sexy girl. I should have known then what you were going to do Daddy, but I was naive.
Should that be any girls first thought about their daddy, that he is going to rape me? We were drinking one night Daddy, having a blast. That’s when it happened.
That’s when you ripped my heart into such tiny pieces I’m still not sure they’re all put back together. You raped me Daddy.
I couldn’t move and I was crying to please stop, but you still kept going. You whispered in my ear about how long you’ve wanted this.
I remember watching the ceiling fan spin while you did your business, Daddy. I still can’t look at the fan while laying in bed.
The next morning, you said you hoped I didn’t think you had taken advantage of me like all the boys had before, that you weren’t like them.
You were right Daddy, you aren’t like them, you are much worse. I made excuses for you for 3 years. You were drunk, you didn’t mean it. You were drunk, you couldn’t control yourself.
Could you control yourself, Daddy?
It took me having my first child to realize what a monster you are, Daddy. Experiencing that love you have for your child is like nothing I had ever experienced.
I knew the kind of love you were supposed to have, Daddy. I couldn’t make excuses for you anymore, so I wrote you a letter.
I probably wrote that letter 20 times before finally deciding it was good enough. I was still trying to impress you, Daddy. You didn’t care I wanted no contact with you.
I’m sure you laughed out loud and said, “silly girl”. I was a silly girl, Daddy. I was silly for ever thinking you were capable of being a Daddy like I needed and deserved.
I still think about you all the time. Do you ever think about me, Daddy? I am now pregnant with a baby girl. You have instilled fear in me for this child that I didn’t know was possible.
She’s going to be a little girl craving her Daddy’s attention just like I did. I just hope and pray she never has to ask herself why she wasn’t good enough for her Daddy.
You have shown me what people are capable of, Daddy when you should have been the one sheltering me from the monsters out there.
Thanks to you Daddy, I think every man has an alliterative motive.
I can’t fully trust anybody, because everybody ends up leaving, right Daddy? If the person that is biologically programed to love you can’t love you, how is anybody else going to love me, Daddy?
I think it’s so silly to sit back and wonder how you’re doing. Why do I want to know how you are? Why do I still wish you would have fought for me? You are a monster, Daddy.
When my children ask about their biological grandfather, I will tell them why you aren’t in my life or theirs. They deserve that honesty from me. I burned all the pictures I had of you, Daddy.
I honestly don’t even know what your face looks like anymore. When I have my night terrors of what you did, your face is blurred now. That makes me a little sad.
I will never know what ends up happening to you, Daddy. I just hope somehow, you know your little girl is kicking ass in the world. I hope you know that I am raising my family without your help.
I hope you never know first hand the kind of torture you have put on people. Thank you for teaching me so much about the world, Daddy. Thank you for showing me what lies deep within people.
Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to be strong. Without you, I wouldn’t have blonde hair and blue eyes. Without you, I wouldn’t have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Without you, I wouldn’t know what a penis forcefully put inside me was like for the first time.
I often wonder if I would have been raped all the times after you if you hadn’t of raped me first, Daddy. At least I know what to teach my children to look out for in people now.
Thank you for your genes, Daddy. That’s all you are to me.