Everyone always wants to talk about this big question the human race has been trying to answer.
Why are we here? What is the meaning of all of this? I think these questions are just distractions more than anything else.
We are all searching for the same results: we want to be happy, to have a purpose and to find true love. Yet, I have no idea where those precious gems can be found.
I spend all of my time convincing myself that I either have them or that I know where I can find them.
Either way, it’s all irrelevant according to an old man that has been mentoring me for the last year and a half. We’ll call him a spiritual adviser.
Why is it irrelevant? According to him I have been looking in all the wrong places. That sounded like old timer nonsense to me.
Some time ago, I was sitting in a meeting of the 12 step variety and in walks this girl.
She had sandy blonde hair and a demeanor that read arrogance, but upon further examination seemed more like she was wounded and on guard.
I don’t know if she was the most beautiful woman in the world nor do I think that matters. She may have seemed plain to the other fellas in the room; to me, she halted time.
Beauty is relative, see I have this idea that the people we connect with are pre-determined. Put into our lives to serve some purpose on our journey.
You know when you first meet someone? You lock eyes, and feel like you have known them your entire life and almost sub-consciously become a vulnerable human being.
You would bare your soul to them even though you have just met.
So, I ask my Vietnam era spiritual guide if it would be okay to ask her out, he replies: “Kevin, how has your way worked in the past?
” Something you should know about me is, I’m not a virtuous person. I’ve never changed out of virtue, I’ve only changed out of pain.
I was never able to follow anyone else’s advice; I believed I knew what was going to bring happiness and fulfillment to my life and no one could convince me otherwise.
The fact that I was even thinking about looking at a woman, let alone talking to one at that time should’ve been an accurate representation of my insanity.
See, I have this debilitating weakness almost like a split personality I guess.
I can be perfectly fine and then all of the sudden something switches in me, and I turn into a completely different person. Kinda like the Hulk, except I don’t turn into a big angry green guy.
I turn into the guy that likes his whiskey a little too much, who ends up 1500 miles away from home with no idea how he got there,
the guy who makes himself feel better at the expense of other human beings. Yeah, that’s the truth about me, selfish and self-centered to the core.
At this time, I had spent the better part of six years trying to recover from this weakness and believe me I failed over and over.
What I could not or would not see is that at the beginning of every one of those failures stood a woman. A woman that I was convinced could fix me, give me purpose and make me happy.
It would work for a period, but that’s the thing about a guy like me, I don’t stay content for very long.
One day that switch would flip, and I’d run through her life like a tornado and disappear.
It’s a vicious cycle that I lived throughout my whole life, searching for happiness where happiness can’t be found.
And after all this experience and evidence, once again I found myself at that all to familiar fork in the road ready to start the cycle all over again.
The thought that was in my head was the same one that had always been there. "It will be different this time."