The voices in my head grow louder and louder by the day, hour, minute and second as I drift further and further into the fear of which drags me down into the depths of insanity.
With each and every day comes a new chance to start over, though I always mess it up and drag myself deeper. Every morning I wake up in a good mood until I remember reality.
The days that I am actually confident (maybe 10 times a year) are rare and cherished but always worried of messing it up. I have many problems that nobody is ready to handle.
I starve myself uncontrollably. If I miss one meal, I'll starve myself for one or two days before realizing it.
When I first started starving, one thing stood out to me like a red rose in a meadow of daises:
It's not just about weight. There's so much more to it. Numbers on a scale isn't the end of the world and it most certainly isn't the only reason I starve.
It's not about the weight or the numbers anymore. It's about feeling like you can handle something.
Whether it being almost dying or numbers decreasing, knowing it's because of me makes me feel.. safe.
Everything was fine until one day at school, I fainted. I didn't have enough energy to go on and the heat made it harder for me than anything. My friends were worried but I lied and said I'm fine.
The nurse told me to eat again and that my body couldn't take it. I had dropped to 94 lbs by then. Nobody knew. I wore baggy clothes and always tried to look normal. But I wasn't. I needed help.
Whenever I tried to eat again, my brain would tell me not to and do anything in its power to stop me. It made me disgusted when I looked at any food.
I would find anything wrong with it and then not eat it because of that small detail. I had to push myself harder than I ever did to eat again.
I know it's bad to starve. It's not what anyone should do. But it's extremely difficult to stop. Starving yourself is easy. Stopping is where you start to drown.
Drowning in your sorrows and emotions deeper and deeper. Drowning in the same black hole from earlier. I would wish no one this. Nobody deserves this to happen. But I believed I did.
I thought every day "I deserve this. This should be happening. It's just life."
But it's not true
None of it is.
And nobody should believe that about themselves.
I've stopped and I'm happy about it. It was the best decision of my life.
If the same is happening to you, don't be afraid to reach out. Other people know your pain. Even if you think they don't, they do.
Please don't be afraid to reach for help, and if you have help, try to help others.