Depression is one of the hardest feelings to cope with. Coupled with anxiety, they become killer.
How do you tell the one person you love and care for most that you're depressed? The one who goes through all your rollercoaster emotions, locked in right next to you.
The one who cares for you when it feels like there's no one else who does. The one who makes every moment completely enjoyable. The one who goes above and beyond to bring the world to you.
When is there a good time? There never is.
You can't just let them down, right?
You can't tell them, "I know you care for me and do everything in your power to help me overcome all the issues, but that's not good enough because I'm depressed." So you don't.
You sit there, coupled with your depression and anxiety, hand in hand waiting. While they slowly take you from standing amidst the crowd to crying in your bed.
Because you can be a fun-loving person too. Just not when they make you fear every moment. Anxiety looks at you with the most dreadful eyes. "They don't care for you.
They say nice things to make you feel good, but you know the truth, you're garbage." So you say, "I know." While depression lays on top of you, taking a nap, but not releasing any weight.
So you lay there, the heavy burdens on you and next to you. Because your parents raised you to feel that it's unacceptable to feel this way. Especially so with a child.
And how do you tell an unknowing child that you can't reap the best part of having a child, the joy. The joy that comes from every moment. When they laugh, smile or even cry.
Yes there's joy in that too because you are their mom. They cry to you because you are their rock. You can make them feel better and help absorb the sadness.
But how can you be someone's rock, when you aren't solid yourself? You can't enjoy the happiness in a moment because you're "friends" that only come to lower you, suck every moment of the joy.
"You aren't good enough. Your child deserves a better parent." How do you feel when you simply can't? You look around your house, it's starting to become a mess.
"You suck at keeping the house clean. What are you good for?" You start to pick up the toys, after all you're tired of tripping over them.
But depression is laying in the bed, calling you as a siren calls any man on the open ocean. See you could sail anywhere, the world is your oyster after all, but that's not where you want to be.
You just want to take cover in a safe and warm space. So without hesitation you say, "I'll get to it tomorrow. No big deal." Then get comfortable in your bed.
Nustled in with the least two comfortable people. You lay there until it's time to do ballet with your emotions. Ballet is a beautiful dance with intricate emotions.
So while you "dance" through your day, you bare the emotions that everyone wants to see, while hiding the ones that are unacceptable.
This is only how you perceive it though. Hiding your emotions never helps. There might even be merit in saying, you only make things worse. In life we communicate. That's how we get by.
Sure you can always do things by yourself, never truly opening up. Does it ever make you feel better? Usually no, life's easier when you have someone to talk to.
It's always hard to find someone to talk to. It's a long process which will usually end with you hurt. You're more fragile than people realize.
You tell them, "Hey I know it's hard to hear, I'm depressed.
" Only to hear back, "how do you think that makes me feel?" How do you respond? You're obviously hurt, but how do you tell someone who never wants to listen or think of you, that's unacceptable.
"Just shut up and stop being a wuss," anxiety chimes in. So you say never mind and bury those feelings. You just let these feelings drag you around while you act as if everything's normal.
The one thing you've found out, your "support system" isn't the one. You need to find better.
But what do you do when your married to these unsupportive feelings? You just wait, trying to cope with life for the next unseen amount of years.
"I can do it, I'll be fine," you try to reassure yourself. Before you know it, an opportunity knocks on your door. Should you open it and let it in? "Change isn't what we want.
We want to stay the same. Change is our enemy," anxiety warns. At this time you've over come depression, he's left, only waiting to come back.
See depression loves your company, but can lift the reigns every once in awhile. But anxiety, he never leaves.
He makes you see things that aren't there, makes you feel things that you never want to feel. So for once you control more than anxiety and let in the opportunity.
Always weary of this being the same as others, but no. Even a year into the opportunity, they support you. Did you make mistakes to get there? Yes, but only for the light you needed in your life.
Sometimes change can be a hard thing. Expressing feelings can be even harder, but having a support system that cares for you is a must.
They can understand you, feel the emotions your feeling, making you not alone. Because who wants to be alone when it feels the world is against you? Even though it's hard, express your feelings.