Struggling to feel whole, I lay there. What do I do? I can feel the tears start to pool in my eyes. ‘Don't cry. Try to be strong.
You'll make it through this awful experience like you have every time.’ After the pain ends I scramble to make it to the bathroom in one piece.
As soon as the door is closed the tears pour out as I try to muffle the cries. ‘When will it get better? It won't.’ I sit on the toilet, crying discreetly. ‘You did this. You married him.
You're obligated to do this.’ Alone, that's all I felt. Guilt rushed me. Not for him, but myself. ‘How could I allow this? It was the right thing to do. That's what it felt at the time.’
Nowadays, not so much. Even my cries for help were glossed over with his feelings. It never seemed to matter. When things weren't his way, they weren't right.
How do you escape when there is no chance at a happy survival? ‘ One day, this won't be this way. I'll be stronger.’ After the muted cries are over, I compose myself.
‘Remember, you have to be strong.’ I stand up, flush the toilet then saunter over to the sink where I stare at myself. ‘What have I done. I'm an imbecile.
I don't ever say no, why can't I say no?!’ As I blankly stare at myself I see a resemblance to my mother. I hate her and the way she makes me feel.
I can't imagine any worse fate than looking like her anymore. I wash my hands then dry them. I walk towards the door and go directly to the bed without making any eye contact.
I swiftly lay under the blankets and face the wall. Tears still fighting to escape my eyes. ‘It's time to go to sleep. Escape the only way you can.’ Mutely crying until I drift to sleep.