So many thoughts right now...
thumbing through my past on Facebook, the whole thing since 2008- the madness, the debauchery, recklessness, disregard for others feelings because I felt mine were more important...
selfishness, whimsy, anger, more disregard...
then bouts of regard for those I lost touch with, friends that still remain friends although not best friends, not confidantes, not friends who particularly care for me or my well-being...
friends who disregard my feelings because their feelings are more important. What a cycle. I don’t really like myself right now.
I look back on all those messages to people I loved, how I flowered them with compliments and how ultimately, it ended with them, a boiling pot heap of lies, abuse,
and deceit that ends in expulsion or worse... indifference.
I wanted so badly then to have a relationship with deep meaning and trust... I gave them silly pet names and danced around them like a fairy in a familiar forest.
I worked so hard to grant these lovers some meaning for myself, something I could hold and say “this is real, this is true, this is what I want” but alas,
all ended unhappily and with much toil had. Toil in which I held up on my shoulders for awhile, and showed people like a pet rat on Show-and-Tell day.
And those people I touted to are gone too, tired of a pretty girl being so sad and grumpy and unwilling to stop complaining and why doesn’t she just lie down to have a good time with them?
I want to believe people are inherently good... but right now in the harsh light of retrospect we all seem so inherently bad.
We were all living for ourselves with no regard for anyone else in the mix. We were scoundrels, drunk on fun, living to swim in the moment even if it meant drowning in the dregs the next day.
So much pain for the past, reaching back since I was an adolescent looking for something intangible that I needed so badly for a reason I have yet to discover.