I zone out as all of the memories come back.
The times I have been manipulated. How could I be such a fool?
I remember the times where I was taken advantage of very often. How did I not know?
I think about all of the times I was used for other people's success, joy, lust, love, and others that are probably even more ridiculous. How did I not feel that?
What about the toxic relationships I could never forget those.
The times being shoved against the bed, all of the dents in the wall from being thrown, broken window from being thrown and pushed, the ice cold floor as I would lay there.
The sounds of glass breaking echoes in the walls as I remember how it would sound shattering on the floor.
I remember vases being thrown at me, anything someone could think about hurting me with.
How could I let this go on for so long? I deserve better.
The time that alcohol became my best friend.
The time when it muted the demons that would own my mind and tell me I was worthless.
The time when I was taken advantage of against my will as I was blacked out in my sleep.
How could I let that happen? If i didn't have all of these demons I wouldn't have drank, i wouldn't have blacked out, and he never would have done that to me.
The time when my Tata withered away right before my eyes and I knew there was not a single thing I could do to improve his health or save him.
He passed away and it is something I am still not over.
My mother I love her, but she is the baseline to all of my suffering.
The verbal abuse, the mental abuse, the physical altercations, the ugly moments.
As a teen I remember running away all of the time, drinking, self-harm, thinking I was never good enough.
If I wasn't a certain way I was not good enough.
If I did not live up to the standard or expectation I was a dissapointment.
I was stupid, an idiot, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, worthless, a piece of shit.
The sad thing is I know my mom suffered her own trauma.
So with that cycle she continued to live with it by how she raised me and how she treated me too.
Now I have to love her from a distance because she hasn't been able to heal since her childhood.
I have to be the one to pay.
As my mind goes numb I am not quite sure how I have come this far or how I even manage day by day.
When I go numb it is scary because I think of every traumatic thing that has happened in my life.
Not very many people can understand, but the ones that do are living a similar hell to me.
I go back in my memories to how he raised me and how he was there every step of the way.