Sometimes I feel so depressed I just want to isolate.
Sometimes the feelings and thoughts become so dark I have no motivation to want to do anything.
Lying in the dark in a cold room all day seems attracting every single time.
The only thing is God doesn't let me.
This might sound crazy, but it is true.
When I want to isolate, normally something happens like I get called into work, my sibling needs me to pick them up, or simply a family member calls when I need them most.
It is painful because no matter how sad I want to be there is always a distraction.
As the time comes closer to his death the more depressed I feel.
My thoughts and feelings become darker.
My mind feels more overwhelmed.
I feel careless like my issues have greater value too.
The craving to want to isolate grows each day.
As the countdown comes to my birthday I hate it.
I hate it because a week from my birthday you left this earth.
The last memory of my birthday I have when you were alive is when I turned 23.
You were sick with brain cancer and had gallstones and could not eat.
The doctors said you can't have surgery for the gallstones because of how risky it was to operate with the aggressive cancer.
After understanding you were dying and there was nothing we could do for you we watched you suffer.
The last thing I remember is being gathered with my family, my Tata, and my abusive ex girlfriend.
I remember my Tata in so much pain we were going to rush him to the hospital, but he insisted he was okay.
We all knew he wasn't, and I knew he didn't want to feel like a burden and like he ruined my birthday.
The memory I have is everyone gathered around singing happy birthday to me to try to be happy.
You could see everyone trying so hard to keep it together.
Everyone I looked at I knew was sad like me.
I remember looking around and sitting next to my Tata.
I quickly blew out the candles because I did not want to wish for anything the only wish was to take his suffering and cancer away,but it was already too late.
I blew the candles out knowing that was the last birthday he would get to spend with me.
After that day he ended up going to the hospital where he went to the hospital and doctors said hospice was the only thing left for him.
Exactly one week after my birthday My Tata passed away.
A part of me thinks he held on for my birthday and I am lucky and blessed.
Death changes a lot.
I miss him and his laugh.
I miss being a little kid and he would say "stand on my feet" I thought it was the silliest thing, but he would move side to side to dance and spin around the smile on my face endless.
His hugs and drive to seem so motivated with life.
His passion to be a hardworker no matter the task.
It is hard to look at pictures.
It is hard to say his name.
It is hard to hear his voice in videos.
But the memories still remain.
I don't like my birthday because it makes me miss him.
3 years without you feels terrible.
Whoever said time will heal or it gets better through time ,lied.
The more I am without him it feels worse and hopeless.
The depression and isolation increases more and more.
All of a sudden people's whining and complaining seems to be muted by me.
People complain about the little things that are temporary in this world and all I want is my Tata.