Feeling the claws on my body
Slithering their way up into my head
Fear building up inside of me
Too much pain to bare
My spine is shaking
But I can't move an inch
Feeling glued to the wall
I give myself a pinch
I open my eyes to a wide hallway
Memories flood back to high school
Uniform, hair up, heart racing
I am not ready to take the fall:
'She's an embarrassment'
'I'm not strong enough'
'She should just give up'
I hate what I have become
There is a white door
I travel forward into adulthood
A never ending nightmare
Failed dream I've never understood
Is it trying to teach me, tease me?
Make me change?
Ruin me, scare me?
Make me take the blame?
I am talking and now shouting
But nobody hears
Nobody turns around
I try to hide the tears,
'What's the point?'
'No-one is going to see'
'Stop trying, they won't notice you'
Taunts are all I'll ever reap
Every day I am playing catch up with myself
Trying to find out what's wrong
Reflecting on every word, every action
Figuring out where and to whom, I belong
It's a type of drowning sensation
I want it to go away
The clasp around my neck, loosened, unlocked
Now a painless pain
My speech fails, fades out
Unsettled, forgotten, running out of time
But the words can't find a place to stay
I wish I could say what's on my mind
Sometimes my vision goes blurry
My breathing slows down
I do it on purpose, quietly
I try not to make a sound
Taking the pain away
Giving myself the drug
Falling asleep quickly
Honestly, I really couldn't give a fuck