A beautiful dozen roses waited for me as I walked in my house. It had been a long day at work. I was tired both physically and emotionally .
I really had no expectations as the week prior I had experienced another one of my outbursts. I attacked you for what seemed like the 100th time. Yet a small part of me still wondered..
still hoped. You have never been one to come short when it came to special occasions.
For a small moment, I smiled on the inside as I looked at the roses. They were a bright crimson red. Beautiful.
It has been such an excruciating past year or two. There has been so much anger, sadness and hate. So little progress has been made and I wonder if we are reaching the end.
I long for those days when we were happy. I long for that feeling of warmth. I long for those days where in a room full of noise and people, I would see you and instantly feel so calm.
Nothing or no one else mattered.
Nowadays, I feel nervous and anxious often. I feel so unsure of myself. Although I know ultimately it is up to me to overcome this, I wish you would do more.
What exactly?? I don’t think I really know.
We went out for dinner that evening. I was so irritated because it was unplanned. I honestly had no desire. I struggled immensely with not letting my emotions get the best of me.
The children were with us.
Ultimately, all turned out well. It was after all a nice meal. We all looked so tired when we got home. Are we tired of keeping this family together? I think about this often.
The roses still look very beautiful. They have yet to show signs of withering.
We are still hanging on.