As I sat staring out of the window at what felt like a symphony of chaos . my chest rose and fell with each breath. I was scared, alone, and out of control.
With each wave of contractions, I became more and more of a whirling dervish; spinning out of control.
I felt like I was in the eye of an immense storm cloud, and that energy would engulf and strangle me at any time. I could have just pretended as I often did, that everything was ok.
Maybe I did to an extent. But I knew that everything was not going to be ok, not for a long time…if ever.
For the first time in my life I decided to exhibit strength and conviction to truly look what I had done, and examine how I felt at that time in my life.
I was a grown woman and should have known better!
I hadn’t even begun to deal with the loss of my baby Jamaica, yet here I was alone in a filthy hotel room giving birth to another baby that I couldn’t possibly care for.
I felt like my spirit had detached from my body. My soul was fighting to contain itself. I was lost, scared, disheartened, angry, and so very alone.
The thoughts screaming in my head were at best, staggered and frayed like the edges of an old quilt.
They were swinging back and forth to the extremes, like the pendulum of an old grandfather clock. One moment I was the poor victim of an unfortunate circumstance.
Another moment I was an evil person who had chosen to destroy her own life, and the lives of those who met her toxic self.
Looking back, I realize I was a scared drug addict who was almost out of hope, and dangerously close to being at the end of her rope.
I had no clue at the time what to do, who to run to, or how I was going to survive.
The feelings that I allow myself to embrace now are scary, and these demons are not easily laid to rest.
But, I know now it is important for me to accept the past, learn from it, move on, and never make the same mistakes again.
I am looking through the window now at what appears to be another lifetime. The woman on the other side of the glass is not me, but a shell of the person I am today.
As I watch the reflection in the glass I am happy that I am outside looking in and looking back; never to return to that dark and lonely place.