I have a fish that can break dance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Someone was very cold so they asked for me to find a way for them to be warm. I wanted to keep them warm their whole life, so I set them on fire.
There are ways for bad people to make you happy. They make me happy when I push them down the stairs.
Two hunters were walking in the woods when one of the hunter collapses and stops breathing so the other hunter calls 911. "My friend is dead!" "Okay sir first you need to make sure they are actually dead." There was a silence and then a gunshot. "Okay what now?"
I visited my friend at his new house. He asked me to make myself at home... so I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"
It turns out a major new study indicates that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I cannot remember that last time I ate a monkey.
"I work with animals." The guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher."
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.