Today was terrible! My friend got hit by a bus! But that wasn't even the worse part of the day! I lost my job as a bus driver!
"Just say NO to smoking!!!" Unless it's me who is doing it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.
Today I decided to visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could go inside but they refused and slammed the door in my face! My parents are so rude.
If you donate one kidney everyone calls you a total hero. When I donated 5 everyone freaked out. WHERE IS MY RESPECT?!
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. He was such a good dog.
My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings saying, "You'll be next!" They stopped though, once I started doing it to them at funerals.
I was digging a hole in my garden when I found a chest of gold coins! I ran inside the house to tell my wife about it, but there was only silence and I remembered why I was digging a hole.
My grandfather says I rely on technology too much. So I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one, but it only made her more upset. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?!"