I'm going to make this short and to the point, because I know that you will appreciate that. I'm just going to come out and say it, are you ready? Are you sure?? Ok, here goes.
I was hit in the head with a brick when I was only three months old. My older brother was so angry with me for stealing his girlfriend at the time. He was eighteen. I was only a baby. I think that he ...
When people get too tall they start to look like suspicious politicians. I'm serious, this isn't some kind of joke. I first noticed the uncanny resemblance when I was traveling to Salt Lake City last ...
I finally ate a cat last night. I know, it's a big moment for me, and so I hope you're as excited about this as I am. Let's just say that it was not as tasty as I'd hoped- in fact it was gross. It tas...
Today the sun is out and it's gonna be a great day. I can see all the way to the beach and I can even see a family of buffalo grazing on the lawn. On the sidewalk is a politician standing on a soap bo...
Why is it that people began accusing me of being a communist after I started speaking to my cat in French? This was really puzzling me and I needed answers- urgently. I bought the first bus ticket I c...
One time I ran for president and got so close to winning. I was even getting my picture taken to be used on all the ten dollar bills. I was so excited! I was probably gonna be rich! I called my family...
I had a frightening dream last night. I was just walking down the street, minding my VERY OWN BUSINESS. So I see this man approach me and he starts describing me, out loud, in front of people.
By k...
Every night before bed I make sure to call up my therapist and ask him a few questions. I always call at 11:30 pm, because before that he's taking a bath with his poodle and after that he is asleep....
I was at the play ground with my son. I was being a good dad by supporting my child on his birthday. "Thank you for joining me on this very special day, father! I can really feel the love!"
I walked over to the juke box and paid for a song. It was a happy song. The penguins over in the corner started clapping their flippers. I laughed and walked back to my table. The waitress came ove...
What even does a dog do when it's awake? What's the point of it being alive? It seems so bored and tired all the time. I guess our lives look kinda meaningless as well, same with all animals- but espe...
The family of three had been walking for 5 days when they finally reached a cliff over looking a vast valley. They could hardly believe that it was real. "We've arrived!" Sings the daughter. "I neve...