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"first_page_text": " I AM STILL STARING AT HIM\n\nThe continuous firing sound made the whole of Sharankhola silent. Chirping of little birds lost inside their beaks when the howling and growling sound of unfortunate and innocent street dogs lingered in the air for a few moment. The painful howling slowly faded away and once again the day started rolling over man pissing off their humanity and kindness.\n\nThe dead-bodies of nearly 13 dogs were swept away from the street by some odd-looking sweepers with fine black skin and bleached hair like a hay stack on their head. I was observing this aching moment of massacre through my window pane.\n\nI don't know who is right and who is over to the wrong side in this case. Millions are suffering from the deadly rabies in Bangladesh and government has strictly ordered the armed forces to cull the dogs whenever and wherever they are observed. I can't understand if the dogs are so foolish to get killed by biting humans or the humans are so fool to kill the dogs instead of vaccinating them to prevent the disease! They say that its impossible to vaccinate such a large number of dogs present in the country but my mind always contradict to that opinion. Never know how they feel it easier to kill the million dogs rather than medicating them. Let others to make their ways to hell, now, I just can't afford my Kevin to get culled by those heartless humans. He is the living being which posses half of my life.\n\n\"Tonight I'm gonna leave for Indo-Bangla border and gonna pass him over the border fences. Otherwise he'll not see more of the Sun being red in the east. I'm pretty sure and upset about it\"------ the page of my diary fills at great intervals as am not such a disciplined, daily diary writer. I left it deserted for many days but I don't know why I couldn't resist my mind to write a bit about the day.\n\nPassing him over to the Indian lands will at least save him from getting pierced by those emotionless bullets, though it hurts that he'll no far be with me. My family is only definable with Kevin as I've lost everyone other in the cruel tempest of time. Mom, Dad, both got passed years back and everything I got left is this little house which is always been decorated by the sweetness of Kevin. My nights turn beautiful here and sometimes I could really see that it's really black at night, no matter what and how much I try to make it beautiful to myself inside my mind.\n\nA pack of dry fruits, some dry noodles, a few water bottles, some dresses, though I was confused if I'd get to use the dress anyway. Nothing more than these could be put in a backpack which is almost filled by a dog popping out its head somehow. Ya, I took some dog-food for Kevin too. I can't ever be so selfish to fill my tummy alone.\n\nIt was almost soundless at night when I made out of my house. There was no sound of barking dogs as one could hear at usual beautiful nights. The wild humans stitched their voice so voraciously. There was a stinking smell all over the area. One might think its of the perished dogs' shattered fleshes and bloods but in my view, its the stink of the bullets, the hearts that were hardened by cruelty. 'Twas the stink of animosity of human.\n\nNevertheless, I was nearby the Bhola river bank and it was like the day was about to wake up from its night-long slumber. I sat on haunches on a very steep part of the bank, as I could see no comfortable plain land to distance, to comfort my fainted legs. Kevin got out of the bag as soon as I demounted it from my back and he started to pee. 'Twas really horrifying and wonderful at the same time to see that Kevin was so untouched of his dangers. He was still enjoying his life even when his life was burning like a candle of midnight, ready to shut at the mildest of blows.\n\nKevin came running and comforted himself on my lap. A soothening breeze been cooled by the river, touched my countenance gently and I felt like quenching my thirst of a good slumber. I don't know when my eyelids lost its strength and got glued. A deep sleep hugged me tight. The background was singing a comforting natural song which made my sleep more beautiful.\n\n\"Oh!! Damn!\", my eyes opened suddenly with a quiver in my body. Holly Crab! I was sliding down and Kevin was already struggling with the ferocious water streams. Before I could gather more information of the situation, I found myself flowing in the stream with such a fierce that could break a big fat human into pieces like nothing. The stones on the bed were hitting me like mountains. I could barely moan for one when the next hit makes it even worse. Then suddenly a bang and following the previous, another banging sound! The first one hurt Kevin and the later one almost killed me. We were stuck on a huge wood log lying from one end to the other through the river. Somehow I grabbed the log with one hand and Kevin's neck-belt with the other and struggling to reach the land like an ant on a water droplet. A dog can't swim well----that would've been a confusing moment for the theory of evolution if Darwin had seen the very. He might have enlisted another kind of human who swims worse than a dog. The situation was funny for the nature, totally direful for us. I wondered how a same situation could amaze one with fun and at the same time frighten someone to freeze. \n\nDragging my body like an injured earthworm on to the shore I realized that my right leg is bleeding badly and it seemed like it had got a fracture. I sighed heavily and slept like a dead on the rarely touched grass. The sky was blue as usual with shades of white clouds like floating cotton candies. A cool breeze was still blowing softly like ere, but 'twas chilling and uncomfortable for me this turn. It was the same cool breeze that comforted me a while ago. The leaves on the humongous trees, touching the zenith, were dancing like whores, making fun of my aching situation. I sighed again. Then a sudden groan from the right of my head distracted me from the nature. 'Twas Kevin, whose forehead was bleeding. I made myself sit and pulling him towards me by his neck-belt, kissed his neck and rubbed it. He got me to comfort him and I got him to get myself comforted. He licked my cheeks repeatedly. This poor little fellow had suffered like hell all throughout his life. Ya, comforting an alone guy is a suffer for him I guess, though he never complains about it.\n\nSomehow I moved towards a tree and found a broken root of considerable length and strength. Tying half of it with a creeper on my leg, I started walking alongside the river like any typical old wizard, thrusting my weight on the other half of the root. The drowsed clothes made it more difficult for me to carry my weight. I'm unlucky to have no mechanism like Kevin to dry myself by simply jerking my body. Kevin walked right by me. On the way I found a Tulsi plant which provided me with enough of its anticeptic leaves to rub on Kevin's and the wounds of mine.His fangs looked greasy than usual due to eating whatever he gets on the way, without any fear of food-poisoning, without any fear of germs, without any lust of good taste. He was lucky not being a human, eating every sort of consumables, regardless of its fame as food. But, after the incident of river, I was carrying a void belly, though felt filled with gastric juices I guess. No safe water to drink though a huge river was roaring by the side. 'Twas fresh water, drinkable, yet my tongue rolled inside whenever I thought of drinking it. Wish I could be Kevin! But I can't be too selfish to wish him to be a kind of me, suffering the worst of all creatures under the curtain of self woven superiority. We appreciate ourselves as the most intelligent of all to gather huge round of applauses. How ridiculous!\n\nA big tree suddenly gathered my all whole density of attention, with several bunch of coconuts hanging like a treat for me from the wood, perhaps teasing at a hungry vampire like me from up above. As a starving lion in a cage with tender flesh of a deer in front of it, out of its reach and he is roaring in despair, my situation was so pitty, I could feel, like that. No stamina I did have to make myself up to the coconuts, moreover my leg is killing me. Having a wide circumference of view under the tree, I could find nothing but the perishing coconuts that been worn out perhaps by the squirrels, with nothing edible. \n ***\nIt'd been 3 past half days of starvation and survival. I couldn't even imagine right now that I was about to rescue someone's life. The hunger was creeping all through my body, making the nerves weaker and weaker with each step of westward Sun. Kevin was also hungry by now as he hadn't seen any prey yesterday. My throat was caling me for a bit of fluid to flow passed it. \n\n\"Kevin!\", I uttered with a sudden haste of Kevin, in a low voice though I intended it to be in higher tone. \"Kevin! Where are ya goin'?\"\n\nAt first 'twas surprising for me to see Kevin suddenly in an electrified mode in such a condition of ours but slowly I conquered the datas of the situation, that Kevin was chasing a huge rodent, a Polynesian Rat as far as my eyesight could sync with my scarce knowledge of wild. Several rolling and smashing on the ground that anyone could enjoy with a smile on its countenance--- a natural movie. \n\nHis claws pierced the furry skin of the rat, his fangs sieved the body like with knives, his pressure of neck stopped the heartbeat of the rat, so unmerciful. Grabbing it by the fat neck between his sharp canines he brought it near me and started to divide the head out. I could see the long tail of the rat still quivering. Somewhere in my mind there ran a thought of pitty for the unfortunate rat who dragged itself in the wrong place in wrong time to pay with its life. The time never let anybody to get anything out of it for nothing; one must pay the price for using its every fraction, regardless of the profit extracted, regardless of the intention and concern. Nevertheless, he ate the head and a bit of the body of the rat and I kept another bit for myself. I was too hungry, almost feeling fainted as obvious.\n\nFinding nothing to keep the flesh in, I held it by the tail; the beheaded rat was dripping with dark red dense blood and I started walking in search of broken branches to make fire. Once I had learnt in my school days to make fire by rubbing a thick thread on a twig, which was about to help me now. Kevin walked nearby me. My leg was getting even worse as I was feeling more trouble to carry on than ere.\n\nNature seemed to have a penny of mercy on my situation, I thought, when I found some twigs under the canopy of a tree; the next moment I felt like nature kinda played a game with me by distracting me like an ass with a banana to distract me from the river route. The river was lost! A moment of great disappointment for any struggling survivor. \n\nMy eyesight started to malfunction; I could barely see beyond a few feet with clear distinction. The starvation might have crept onto my eyes. I rested my back on the tree and sat down with nasty pain in my leg; then taking out one of my shoelaces, started rubbing it along a twig continuosly.\n\nWith every short of energy that I had, hidden between the folds of my wadded muscles, I lit the fire. There was, I guess, only the energy left in me is to make my heart beating for a moment. Thirst again alarmed my throat. I have heard somewhere that drinking the urine can save ones life in such survival conditions. Thinking about the chance I got on the exhausted days to drink the river water made me laugh like insane. I laughed like a lunatic amidst the wood with no one except my dog who was still unconcerned about what was going on. The urine felt like the first champagne I tasted and I said the remarkable quote about it to myself more of a whispering, \"I'm tasting the stars!\". I laughed again with all my weak cheeks crumbled.\n\nThe fire was burning with all its rage and Kevin started to run hither and tither.\n\n\"Don't go missing buddy! Stay close\", I uttered.\n\nWarm yellow flames was inviting me to cook my rat and my body was begging me to do the same. I don't know if we live to eat or we eat to live, but right now 'twas the condition of eating for living, though it felt much like living for eating to every part of my body.\n\nI took the beheaded rat on my palm. Something cold, moving I felt on my fingers. \n\n\"Damn! Fuck! FUCK!! FUCK YOU!!\", I screamed this turn with tears blowing down my cheeks. Ya, I was crying the bitterest ever in my life. The flesh was full of countless pale white larvae, burrowing it from one end to the other. The one last hope of food I got went in vain. I cried in despair. I could see my death nude and clear before me and there was no choice left except accepting the gloom of it by stretching my arms to hug the very.\n ***\nMy fainted eyes are stuck to the sky, which is turning from blue to red, red to pink, pink to violet, like any decorative lights of Christmas. Warm tears are always uncontrollable whenever you're not meant to. The slow and silently floating clouds sometimes taking the shape of my mom; the next moment my dad. My stomach is aching of hunger but am smiling, 'cause I got no choice to alter it. That day, when I refused my chowmin at Habibul's Fast Food for not having the desirable amount of salt of mine, felt the silliest thing I've ever done. My eyes are really blowing like nonsense though I'm trying not to cry for nothing. Wish, I had not fell asleep that cursed moment, wish I had never came here, wish I would've died along with my parents, wish I had never came into this world! This moment is ridiculous in itself; everything seems to be responsible for everything and when I look at it from another angle, nothing seems to be responsible for anything. I don't want to observe the sky anymore. It's hellucinating me and my death may feel worse with it.\n\nThe trees are still there in their places, coming no forth to extend a helping hand for me. Such cruel audiences of my death! But I shouldn't forget that am still resting my back on a tree.\n\nThe fire is still burning in the hope of flesh to roast. A large horse is galloping towards me, with a beautiful woman wearing white dress like a bride; the beautiful smile on her lips which is melting her and she is dissappearing. The horse is contracting and is now looking much more like Kevin. Ya, its Kevin as far am confirmed.\n\nKevin is coming towards me-----look at his legs------look at his tongue hanging down-----his warm red blood is visible in his tongue------he is still fat------my muscles are gaining a vibration of charge------I'm making my grab on the stick tighter------look at his muscular back-----I can't get my eyes off------I'm staring at him like a wolf-----I'm still staring at him!!!\n ***********\n\n",
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