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"first_page_text": "\n To a man I thought I knew, I am now haunted by the thought of you. You were a person so good at faking who you were, however by month five you could no longer keep up with the lies of the person you were so badly trying to hide. You slowly began to unfold holding me tight in some weird manipulative hold. Over time you began to make me feel like a body with holes more than a human being with a heart and a soul. You were always pulling me back into the dark, sometimes I convinced myself you got joy out of breaking my heart. You had these expectations for me to meet, but couldn’t even give the same to me. The lies that fell from your mouth constantly ripped me apart. \n I asked for honesty, loyalty, communication, trust, and love. I always just expected to be respected by a man I loved. You didn’t respect a single thing from me, not my feelings, not my boundaries, not my body. You made my life so rocky, you’ve made my mind so sloppy. It was never really a normal night if it didn’t end up with us in a fight, or my eyes burning from the tears I cried. I don’t think you loved me in the right ways, I think you loved this certain amount of control. If you truly loved me why did you feed my ears so many lies? Why would you hang up the phone on days I wanted to die? Though, you made me convince my mind that everything was fine, and we’d work through things in time. In reality I was suffocating and blind. You knew I was kind and used it as a weakness of mine. \n You made me believe I was crazy, I always felt like I was losing my mind. You’d fill my ears with the same bullshit excuses after every fight, it showed you just listened to me but never heard me. You’d then play victim rather than own up to your wrongs trying to make me be the person at fault. You’d say “how can you say I mean nothing to you?” When I really said “your words at this point are empty promises, and mean nothing to me without actions.” You could say ‘sorry’ and that you’re ‘trying’, but if all you’re doing is saying it and never having any actions proving your words, your words become nothing more than sound. You made me feel guilty for wanting to live a normal life, even though you avoided 6 to 8 years prison time. You’d go from saying “I don’t mind.” To asking me if I had a problem, or needed help overnight. I slowly began to gaze how selfish you became. To hear you complain about having to remain clean irritated me. I wrote you every single day for 97 days. Your drug use also caused me emotional pain. We had so many bad days. \n After you spent 3 months away, you came home and it was a very happy day. That was our last good month, before our relationship became nothing more than bad days. You quickly began to always sexualize me, made me feel like a toy. You emotionally destroyed me, and you sexually abused me. Eventually it became you asking over and over to have sex, if I’d say no you’d then beg for me to give you oral sex. It didn’t matter if it was after a seizure, an awful fight, if I was on my period, or if I was in pain from a UTI. How do you think that made me feel at night? Every time I’d say “I’m not in the mood tonight” or “I don’t want to have sex for a while I want a break.” You’d act like it’s okay the proceed to come onto me later on that day. Something I’ve realized since leaving you is pressuring me into having sex, also is not consent. You began to disregard my health, my pain, and discomfort for your own pleasure. None of this at the time being enough for me to leave your side, again I was blind but now I’m speaking my mind. \n I could’ve handled the fighting, the lying, and all the crying for probably a while longer. There wasn’t much I could think of at the time that could make me not want to be in your life. Then that night happened, and that’s where I was able to draw the line. This is the night where you disrespected me beyond belief, this is the night I knew I wouldn’t let you win. \n I was tired, I wasn’t feeling the best, I just wanted to go to bed. You came into the room talking about how much you were in the mood, despite me saying “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight.” Still you had a plot in your mind but you said “that’s fine.” Then you shut off my light, and I thought that was it when you climbed into my bed. You then proceeded to make remarks about how ‘horny you are’ making me uncomfortable, so I turned on my side. This is where you crossed that line, the moment you began pressing your body up against mine, pressing unwanted kisses to my skin. Running your hands up my sweatshirt I pushed you away saying no again, and again. Still you didn’t listen to a single word of mine, I remained terrified on my side. You laid me down on my stomach, my hoodie still on, my face in the pillows , pulling my pants down just enough to get inside. I stayed silent, not moving, not exchanging a single kiss. I was now afraid of you, the man I thought I knew. After you finished I went to the bathroom so badly wanting to shut off and cry, but you followed behind. Asking me a question that will forever be engraved in my mind, you looked me in the eyes saying “that didn’t feel forced did it?” Your guilt probably eating you up inside. In no situation should you ever have to ask a woman you’ve spent almost a year of your life with if she felt forced to have sex with you. \n It makes me so sick to know you’re a man I was once romantically involved with. You fucked up my mind, I do badly want to escape this heavy weight of pain. I haven’t allowed myself to pour out this rage you created, because I still have this weird feeling of needing to protect you. I still feel so trapped and weighed down by you. That’s why it was so hard to break away from you because you made me feel like what you did wasn’t fucking rape. You tried to make me fall into another disgusting mind game. I despise the way you’ve changed my brain, was it really worth getting in between my legs? You’ve made me hate my body, you’ve made me quit my life, you’ve made me constantly afraid that the people I trust are slowly going to fade away and show me I was a fool all along. I hate you and your ways, I’m still trying to break away from these mind games but when you text me I get the urge to respond and it eats me away. I just need to accept that what you did really wasn’t okay, and you deserve consequence for this pain you’ve caused my brain. I’m done allowing you to use these guilt trips and manipulative tactics. No sad excuse of an apology could ever fix this weight. you are a rapist, and you may have made me a victim of your ways but I am done allowing you to control my soul. 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