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"first_page_text": "Je marche avec un mouvement ralentit, tout autour de moi ne semble pas vraiment réel et c'est le vide dans ma tête. Le bruit de mes escarpins gris feutrés qui claquent sur l'asfalthe résonne dans les rues étrangement désertes. Le vent soufflait fort, trop fort. Mes longs cheveux bruns volants cachaient la moitié de ma vue mais je ne semble même pas m'en rendre compte. Je serre ma sacoche noire BALENCIAGA excessivement fort entre mes doigts, elle me semble beaucoup plus lourde qu'à l'habitude. Le quartier est trop silencieux à mon goût, je ne suis définitivement pas dans ma zone de confort. Depuis quand était ce vide, dans ces rues de New York? \n\nJ'entends alors un moteur de voiture de course au loin, mais celui ci était assez près pour que mon coeur se mette à tapper frénétiquement fort dans ma poitrine. C'est le bruit menaçant des pneus qui crient qui me fait sursauter et me tourner pour regarder derrière moi, d'où provient le bruit, et je sens mon sac à mains m'échapper, je ne l'entend pas tomber, car je suis déjà en train de courir pour m'éloigner de la voiture qui arrive à pleine vitesse. Je reconnaîtrais ce bruit de moteur entre milles. Je ne pense plus, je ne vois plus rien, tout ce que j'ai en tête, c'est foutre le camp d'ici. C'est lui. Qui vient pour moi. Jamais je ne pourrais lui échapper. \n\n2h00 pm\n•\nNew York\n\nJe me réveille en sursaut. Mon coeur bat la chamade et mes draps sont lourds sur moi. Je les dégage de sur mon corps bouillant d'un coup sec, les projetant par terre. Ce qu'il fait chaud putain. J'enfonce ma tête dans mon oreiller, soufflant un bon coup. Merde , ce que je déteste ce genre de rêves... ils semblent si réels, ou bien plutôt comme une impression de déjà vu que je déteste. \n\nMon cerveau se met sur stop. Mon bong. Mes clopes. Mon cendrier, mon pot d'herbe. Je suis chez mon père. Mais qu'est ce que je fou ici putain! J'étais chez ma mère hier. Dieu, je ne me rappelle même pas comment je suis arrivée ici. \n\nJe regarde par terre et vois mon sac à mains, et je réalise que je suis habillée de la même façon que dans mon rêve. Je porte encore mes escarpins. J'ai mon jean Calvin Klein foncé et ma veste Nike grise et noire. Je me met à paniquer. Était-ce vraiment un rêve?! \n\nLa dernière chose dont je me rappelle, avant que ce soit le trou noir dans ma tête, c'est de m'être levée hier matin chez ma mère. De m'être rendormie après. Puis plus rien, ma mémoire me ramène ici. Je me lève en vitesse de mon lit, plus du tout fatiguée, sentant la colère monter en moi. Si mon rêve est vrai, si je l'ai vraiment vécu, alors pourquoi mon sac est t'il ici, à mes pieds? Si je me rappelle bien, je l'ai laissé tomber avant de détoner. Je dois perdre la tête. C'est impossible qu'il m'est retrouvée. Et si il l'aurait fait, jamais il m'aurait ramenée chez moi. Je suis tellement confuse. C'est le néant dans ma tête. Je soupire et m'allume rapidement une cigarette, retire mes chaussures puis sort de ma chambre après avoir emmené mon pot de weed avec moi pour dévaler les escaliers. Je compte bien en savoir plus en en parlant à mon père. \n\nDans ma lancée pour aller trouver mon père, je fonce sur quelqu'un quand j'arrive en bas des marches. Je jure et recule, m'assurant que ma cigarette est saine et sauve. Je regarde Dean qui me regarde aussi, confus. \n\n-Qu'est ce que tu fous ici Kylie? Dit mon frère, un peu surpris de me voir. \n-Imagine toi que j'en ai aucune espèce d'idée! M'exclamai je en tirant sur ma cigarette pour souffler ma boucane dans les airs. \n\nIl fronce les sourcils et se met à marcher vers la cuisine, ou mon père n'est pas. Ou il est putain? \n\n-Il est ou 'Pa? Demandai je en me sortant un jus d'orange du frigidaire. \n-Aucune idée, répondit il. Mais je sais que hier j'lui est demandé d'aller acheter de la bouffe. Il est peut être partit faire ça. Mais peut importe comment ça tu sais pas pourquoi t'es la? T'étais trop défoncée pour t'en rappeler? \n\nJe lui explique mon rêve et peu à peu, je vois la colère monter en lui. Son regard se noircit, sa mâchoire se crispe et il inspire de plus en plus fort. Moi, j'ai mal au coeur. Juste penser qu'il ai pu me toucher, me parler, me voir ou bien sentir mon odeur... j'en tremble de partout. \n\n-C'est pas la première fois que tu rêves à lui, si? Fait il, semblant blessé et contrarié. Pourquoi est-ce que cette fois ci c'est différent, pourquoi tu dois m'en parler? \n\nDean savait que je faisais fréquemment des cauchemars sur mon passé; il avait souvent été témoin de mes réveils troublants, mais jamais je ne lui avais partagé les détails de ceux ci. Pas comme maintenant. La différence, était que premièrement, Ricardo ne m'avait rien fait de mal dans ce rêve, comparément aux autres. Et deuxièment, je lui confiait tout ça parce que j'avais débarquée ici sans savoir comment et j'avais besoin de réponses. \n\n-Parce que, je te l'ai dis, je ne sais pas comment je suis débarquée ici, soupirai je. La dernière chose dont je me rappelle, c'est de m'avoir endormie chez maman hier soir, dans ces vêtements. Je les porte toujours, c'est dégueu et tu sais que c'est pas mon genre. \n-Attends - donc tu sous-entends qu'il... que Ricardo t'as quoi, \"kidnappé\" pour la nuit et qu'il t'as ensuite emmenée ici? Dieu Kylie, toi et moi on sait tout les deux que c'est pas son genre, pouffe t'il sans humour. Il ne t'aurais jamais laisser partir, murmure t'il en évitant mon regard.\n-Et bien, est-ce que tu as une meilleure idée de c'qui a pu m'arriver? Demandai je d'une voix cassante alors que des souvenirs que j'avais enfouis en moi revenaient en force. \n-Non, fait il alors, un peu découragé. Laisse moi y penser par contre. Écoute- Ricardo ne peut pas entrer au États. C'est pour ça qu'on est venus ici. Pourquoi est-ce que tu t'inquiètes même avec ça? Demande t'il. \n\nJe craque. Mes larmes se mettent à couler, mon coeur à battre plus vite. Mon souffle se fait court et je sens Dean venir me prendre dans ses bras et me dire que tout allait bien se passer. Qu'il serait toujours là pour me protéger. Ses paroles me réconfortent un peu parce que je sais que je pourrais tout le temps compter sur lui. Mais en même temps, j'ai peur, car si il sait où je me trouve, c'est perdu d'avance. Je ne veux pas retourner dans ce cercle vicieux, je ne me voyais pas le faire. Ça ne pouvait pas arriver. Je voulais croire Dean et penser qu'il ne pourrait jamais m'atteindre, mais c'était presque impossible, car je savais de quoi Ricardo était capable. \n\nSi mon cauchemar est la réalité, Ricardo doit s'être dit que j'aurais bien besoin de mon herbe pour oublier un peu et il m'a emmenée ici, chez mon père, où j'avais aussi mon frère.\n\nDisons que j'ai beaucoup de mauvaises expériences qui ont eu lieu dans mon passé à oublier avec l'aide de l'herbe, mais c'était impossible pour moi d'effacer toutes ces mémoires. Je ne pourrais jamais oublier tout ce qu'il m'avait fait. \n\nDean me lâche doucement alors que je passe mes doigts sous mes yeux démaquillés pour faire disparaître mes larmes. Mon frère prend place à la table en soupirant et je me joint à lui. \n\nJe commence à rouler mon joint avec Dean qui est assis près de moi, sur son cellulaire, avec Live from the gutter de Drake qui joue le plus fort possible. \n\nJ'ai commencé à fumer vers l'âge de quatorze ans lorsque tout commençait à aller mal pour moi. Je l'ai essayé dans un moment de détresse et j'adorais à quel point ça me libérait. Après quelque temps par contre, suite à une accumulation de tristesse, rien ne pouvait m'en débarrasser. \n\nMême si l'herbe ne me faisait pas totalement oublier, elle me calmait, me changeait les idées. C'est pour cette raison que j'y suis complètement accrochée. Ma mère s'y oppose très fortement, mais mon père me comprends et il consomme aussi de son côté lorsqu'il peut se le permettre. \n\nJ'adore être chez mon père, je me sens à ma place et en plus j'ai mon grand frère avec moi, avec qui je me sentais protégée 24h/24 et c'est tout ce dont j'avais besoin. Chez ma mère, je me sentais comme un intrus. \n\nJ'allume le joint que j'ai posé entre mes lèvres et tire dessus, prenant de grandes bouffées de Marijuana. Mon frère dit que j'ai des poumons d'acier, je taffe toujours comme une defoncée. \n\n-Tu crois vraiment que ça serait possible? demande Dean d'une voix base, levant ses yeux de sur son téléphone. \n\nJe soupire alors que mon coeur se serre, je ne voulais définitivement plus en parler. J'avais envie de vomir. Je crois qu'il se sent mal, mais aussi obligé d'en parler. Je ne veux pas lui montrer que tout ça m'affecte trop, même si j'ai déjà craqué en pleurant dans ses bras...\n\nJe ne veux pas empirer mon cas avec lui. Je veux être forte. Dean est très protecteur envers moi après tout ce qui m'est arrivé ces dernières années, et je le comprends. Parfois j'aimerais bien qu'on en parle juste pas. J'en ai marre de tout le temps me faire demander si je vais bien. \n\nJe sais bien que j'avais fais un rêve étrangement réaliste, mais ce n'était pas une question pour le ramener dans nos conversations. \n\n-J'en sais rien, Dean, fini je par soupirer. Je n'ai pas mal nul part, c'est déjà bon signe... Je crois que c'était qu'un rêve stupide.\n-Tu me disais le contraire y a deux minutes! S'indigne t'il. Je te connais Kylie, dit moi ce que tu as vraiment en tête.\n-Dean... soupirai je, arrête de t'en faire s'te plait. J'ai plus envie d'y penser. \n\nJe taffe sur le joint répétitivement et le passe à mon frère qui soupire lourdement. Je veux juste oublier ce putain de connard. Je sais qu'avec le temps j'y arriverai. Mais ce n'est pas en le mentionnant souvent comme ça que ça allait arriver. \n\n-Oui, mais putain Kylie on en sait rien si c'était un rêve ou pas! J't'rouve ça trop bizarre que tu te sois ramassée ici, ne sachant pas comment! Je trouve que t'es pas mal neutre tout à coup. Surtout après ce qu'il s'est peut être passé, dit il d'un ton accusateur. \n-Et toi tu prends ça plutôt à coeur tout à coup, me vexai je. Je ne veux plus y penser. Parle en plus s'te plait. \n-C'est comme tu veux Ky, mais tu pourras pas fuir pour toute ta vie. Et tu sais que je prends tout toujours à coeur pour toi, ajoute il d'un ton plus doux. \n\nJe soupire et me lève, allant nettoyer mon verre déjà entamé, pour revenir à la salle à manger et reprendre mon joint. Je le termine rapidement et le balance, allant m'écraser devant la télévision. J'avais heureusement congé aujourd'hui, je ne me serais pas sentis capable de m'y rendre après la nuit de merde que j'avais passé. J'étais épuisée. \n\nDean vient me rejoindre avec un autre joint plus gros que le premier et on se défonce en regardant Jackass. Je me colle contre mon frère et il me prend dans ses bras et caresse mes cheveux. Dean est tout pour moi. Il a toujours été la quand j'en avais de besoin et il a toujours prit soin de moi. Je l'aime plus que n'importe qui d'autre. Il est carrément le mec parfait. Doux, attentionné, à l'écoute, il a toutes les chances de son côté. \n\nJ'ai la tête pleines de questions... qu'est ce qu'il s'est réellement passé? Car peu importe ce que je pourrais croire sur ce qui m'est arrivé hier soir, Ricardo n'a même pas l'autorisation de sortir du Canada, il est en probation. Mais si ca aurait été vrai, mon rêve, alors là je ne veux même pas m'imaginer ce qu'il aurait pu me faire. Même si j'ai déjà probablement tout vu, avec lui. \n\nLe téléphone de Dean se met à sonner et je me redresse pour le laisser prendre son téléphone dans sa poche. Il répond. \n\nDean parle quelques instants avec son pote et il raccroche en se levant. \n\n-Mes potes du foot viennent ici, m'avertit il. On part ensuite au terrain, ont resteras pas ici longtemps. Jordyn s'en vient aussi ici vers sept heures. \n-Je sais, je lui ai parlé hier, soupirai je. \n\nJe me lève pour aller dans ma chambre me changer et me doucher, car j'avais l'impression de revivre mon rêve à chaque fois où je regardais ce que je portais, et ça m'angoissait. \n\nJe descends en bas après m'avoir habillée et vais m'installer sur le canapé en L fait de cuir et met Netflix. Je décide de regarder Orange Is The New Black. Les amis de Dean arrivent dix minutes plus tard et je les trouve déjà bruyants et ils ne sont même pas tous entrés encore. Je m'allonge sur le divan et monte le volume de la télévision. Je veux juste me concentrer sur mon émission, pour ne pas penser à rien d'autre.\n\n-Woh, y'a un babe sur le canapé mec, entendis je dire et je n'y portais pas attention. \n\nJe n'avais jamais vraiment pris le temps de rencontrer ses amis du Foot, car je savais qu'il n'était pas très proches d'eux. Ils ne faisaient que se rencontrer pour jouer parfois et je les trouvais tous énervants, même si je les voyais très peu.\n\n-Ta gueule connard c'est ma soeur, réplique Dean fortement. \n\nLe mec ne dit rien de plus, mais il n'oublie surtout pas de me faire un clin d'œil que je n'ai malheureusement pas manqué, puis il va s'asseoir dans la salle à manger avec mon frère et ses deux autres amis. Petit con. \n\nJe me prépare un hit de bong alors que quelqu'un d'autre entre dans la maison. Deux personnes. Le premier, je ne le connais pas. Les cheveux blonds et très courts, un corps bien sculpté et une attitude désinvolte mais enthousiaste. Il porte un chandail long au manches longues beige et un jean bleu pâle avec des Nikes noires. Il est vraiment beau. Je me surprends à le regarder plus lui que mon émission. \n\nNos deux regards se croisent et il le soutient, se tassant du chemin du deuxième mec. Je sens la chaleur monter dans ma poitrine et mon ventre se serre. Je tiens mon bong plus étroitement dans ma main. Lui, je le vois serrer ses jointures et sa mâchoire parfaitement découpée. Nos regards se soutiennent. \n\n-Kyliiiiiiiie!\n\nLa voix de mon grand frère me fait sursauter et brise le contact que ce mec et moi avions créer pendants quelques secondes.\n\nMais putain qu'est ce qu'il vient de se passer? Pourquoi j'suis restée accrochée à son regard comme une pauvre cloche? J'avoue qu'il est canon et que ses yeux me font quelque chose, mais merde. \n\nJe soupire et dépose mon bong sur la petite table en vitre devant moi et me lève avec ma couverture et m'enroule à l'intérieur pour ne pas trop me montrer, parce qu'il y a vraiment beaucoup de foutus mecs ici. Lorsque je passe devant le mec canon, j'ai un flash. Je le connais. Mais de ou?!?\n\n-T'es qui? Lui lançais je d'une traite. \n\nIl sembla surpris puis c'est lorsqu'il se tourna complètement vers moi que je remarquai qu'on était seuls dans le salon. Je sentis mes joues chauffer alors que je pouvais mieux discerner les traits de son visage. Ses lèvres étaient rosées naturellement et pulpeuses, et ses yeux bruns noisettes étaient captivants malgré moi. Il était vraiment très beau et il dégageait quelque chose d'intriguant. \n\n-Tu es vite en affaires, me dit t'il avec un petit sourire arrogant, mais doux en même temps. \n\nJe dirais même qu'il a l'air plutôt timide. Bizarre, il avait pourtant l'air de ce mec hyper confiant, à première vue. \n\n-T'excites pas trop vite, dis je en replaçant ma couverte qui était tombée de mon épaule. \n\nIl suit avec les yeux le mouvement de ma main de mon épaule à mon flanc. \n\nJe dandine sur place, je ne sais pas comment me placer devant lui, il est intimidant. Ont dirait que les paroles sortent toutes seule de ma bouche. En fait, c'est mon plus gros défaut, je ne pense pas deux fois avant de dire quelque chose. \n\n-Alors j'pourrais m'exciter, juste que c'est encore trop tôt? J'aurais une chance? Dit il plus bas avec un air plutôt sérieux. \n\nJe rougis et ne peux pas deviner si il est sérieux ou non. En tout cas, j'espérais que non parce que je suis zéro intéressée. C'est fini les mecs pour moi. Je ne peux par contre toujours pas m'empêcher de rougir. \n\nEst ce que c'était juste une impression ou c'était réellement bizarre comme première conversation? \n\nIl se met à rire en voyant ma réaction et il se déplace plus près de moi pour appuyer ses fesses sur le bras du canapé qui était devant moi et près de lui. Je recule. \n\nOn entendais toujours les mecs qui étaient maintenant rendus dans la cour arrière et je décidai que j'irais voir mon frère seulement si il me rappelait. \n\n-Toi, t'es qui? Dit alors le blond en me regardant dans les yeux, alors que j'essaie de fuir ce putain de regard. \n\n-La soeur de Dean. Tu me dis quelque chose, tu te souviens m'avoir vu en quelque part, toi? Peut être à Toronto.\n\nJe suis déménagée de Toronto à New York pour fuir certains de mes problèmes, et toute ma famille avait suivie, même ma meilleure amie, Jordyn. Elle avait refusé de me laisser seule à New York, surtout dans l'état que j'étais. Dire que ça fait déjà presque un an de tout ça. \n\n-Toronto? Fait il en fronçant les sourcils. Ça fait un bail, dit il en me fixant, fouillant surement dans ses souvenirs. \n\nÀ peine deux secondes plus tard, ses yeux rondissent et son expression change. Il se referme. \n\n-Non, honnêtement tu m'dis rien. \n\nSon ton est plus froid, et je hoche la tête en me mordillant la lèvre. Il est surement bipolaire, tout les copains de Dean on un truc qui cloche, dans leur tête. \n\n-Comment tu t'appelles? Demandai je en relevant mes yeux vers lui, pour découvrir qu'il me regardait. \n\nJe baisse les yeux timidement. \n\n-Justin, dit il en se raclant ensuite la gorge. Toi? ",
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