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Home doesn’t really feel like home, it feels more like a self-torture to be landing back here. I haven’t been away for too long, but what happened in here made me feel like shit, threw me in hell. This place isn’t home, definitely its just hell. It landed safely after all, all the passengers are out of their seats more like angered bulls pulling their bags and pushing each other to stand in the small tight aisle, are they this desperate to go back to their lives? Could they possibly be living their best lives so that they push each other to run away from this plane? On the other hand, I am still sitting tight in my place, my belt is still buckled and my throat couldn’t feel tighter than the pain building in my chest. How can a person be a reason for you to hate a place you never saw yourself hate not even in a lifetime, simply a place I lived my best and happiest memories in. Five minutes later, everyone is out of the plane but me, and the attendants of the flight, I can feel them whispering and staring at me while my stare bore into the seat in front of me. “Just give me some time, would you?” I beg with my voice raspy. I have been so quiet the entire flight, seven hours. For seven hours, I couldn’t figure a way to face all the pain in my chest. I close my eyes and feel the tears run down my cheeks, warm tears with flaming chest and overbeating heart. I should gather myself; I shouldn’t break down for the sixth time in seven hours and ten minutes. I must stand and leave this plane; I must face the past and make sure I place it back in the graveyard. I unbuckle my seat belt and wipe my tears, grab my red scarf and walk down the aisle. I am sure I look more like a dead body than a human being. I feel empty, couldn’t feel emptier. Every step I take closer to the door feels like bricks and tons of bricks are being weighted down my lungs. Gather your strength, I tell myself. I repeat it over and over and over again. I step my first step into the airport and I sigh almost hardly, I cannot break down in front of everyone, I can’t shed a tear in public. I hate this place; I hate it with every single cell that exists in my body. I hate that I met you for the first time in the airport, I hate that you were 7,293 miles away from me and we met after 91 days of only talking and video calling through the phone. I hate how close you were to my heart, and that you actually owned it for 91 days. As I get through the airport procedures, I grab my bag and leave the airport as fast as possible because any more minute spent in here is making me nauseous, now I’m at the parking lot. The parking lot was enough to break my heart into pieces, were enough to make me fall down and collapse in front of the people getting to their cars, I fall down between an old land cruiser and a red mini cooper, I sob as hard as possible it feels like I am drowning, it feels like air is not really there anymore, I am losing myself in here. I collapsed right where I wrapped my arms around you for the first time, and where you wrapped yours around me so tight. You made me feel like there isn’t anything in life more worthy to live for but being in your arms, breathing you in. I remember the hug so well, I remember how you approached from behind and pulled me to your embrace, I remember so well how hard you hugged me and how you moved your hand from my back to my head pushing me closer to your body giving me all the love I lacked in the past 20 years, I fucking remember so clearly how safe it felt that day, how peaceful my heart were and how at rest my thought went. Now, I am at the same spot, feeling cold and broken, sobbing hardly into my jacket. I am now alone where once I was with you. \r\n\tIts nasty and painful, all the way back to home the memories kept flooding painfully on my heart. Tears wouldn’t stop, even my driver noticed I wasn’t okay to open my mouth to reply to his question, “how was your flight?” he asked when I first saw him. My eyes fixed on the sky; I have always felt comfort in the clouds when you weren’t there to make me feel better about every awful thing I go through in life. Now I can remember when you told me that you don’t really remember the way back home, you don’t remember the streets well because studying abroad is a memory killer to home. I laughed at your sentences; I gave you my phone so you’d use google maps. I can feel the warmth of your hands against mine, I can feel your soft kiss on my knuckles and I heaved a sigh. I can’t stop remembering, flashbacks wouldn’t stop hurting me. It was your eyes I believe, kept me alive that night, colored my life. I cant stop and I cant let go of the beauty your sleepy eyes held. Why is my ears suddenly filled with your quiet voice, with your peaceful presence? Baby, why am I feeling you still when it’s been a month since you left? \r\n\tI arrive home, take off my clothes and stand under the hot burning shower. I cry, and cry harder, and sob harder and break to million little pieces with every tear falling from my eyes. It feels like I have been in the shower for hours, but it was only 43 minutes since I walked under it. I run it off and wrap myself with the towel, I should get myself some sleep it’s a busy day I have today. As soon as I lay down in bed, it hits me as hard as ever that you are not there so I’d call you, you are no longer in my life so I would call you and listen to you talk until I fall asleep, was it a dream or did you really just leave? I cried again and again and again until I am no longer awake to be tortured more for your absence. \r\n\tI woke up with the worst pain in my heart, the pain of a heart attack if I am getting one right now. I place my hand on my chest feeling my heart and hold my pillow tight with the other; it is you, isn’t it? You are in so much pain its physically hurting me. I can feel you inside of me. I can feel you when you are no longer in my life but only in my memory, but only in my past. I get out of my bed, I am so shallow so deeply empty but really heavy to be awake. I get ready; I have a wedding to attend when in reality there is an ongoing funeral inside of me. After my last touch, I looked at myself in the mirror and the urge to throw up was unbearable. Here it comes, the memories of the last wedding I went to when you were there, admiring me from 7,293 miles away. Showering me with the warmest words ever said. You have always found me so fucking beautiful. No one ever, admired my face as much as you did. No one ever fixed their eyes on me in a sweet way like you did that day. Your words came back to me along with the bile forming down my throat, “you are mine do not be stupid and show off, please.” I can’t cry right now, not when I’m dressed and there’s tons of makeup on my face. I leave to the wedding but my soul isn’t really with me tonight. \r\n\tIt’s you, holding my fingers so tight and there’s fear in your eyes. There’s pain all over your face, and you are not talking at all. You are staring at me with your sleepy fearful eyes. And slowly you let me go and there you are, you fade away completely as I wake up broken. I stare blankly at the ceiling in the darkness letting it enter my body entirely and take over me as every night. This is a new nightmare; this is once again about you. What is wrong love? Are you okay? I sigh, I can’t reach you anywhere since you’ve blocked me so I just close my eyes and try to go back to my awful sleep. You are probably better off without me, or you wouldn’t have left me. \r\n\tits been days, weeks and two months since you left and I still cant get you out of my dreams or my mind or even my heart. Every song I listen to is about you, everywhere I go is literally about you and December entirely is about you. Today I feel slightly better to leave home, I am sitting in a coffee shop, one I have never went to when we used to be together. So it wouldn’t remind me of awful beautiful memories of you. As I drink my latte, a song plays in the background. I couldn’t make what’s the song is, I couldn’t remember where I have heard this song before and I definitely couldn’t remember if I once actually played it but I know and I am certain that this song is the reason why I am now crying my heart out, it is the reason why I feel like my body is on fucking fire. Why did this song trigger me in this bad awful way, tell me? I open my conversation with you and scroll all the way up the media until I found the video, the video where you were singing along with the damn exact song. Why do I remember this day so clearly. Here we go, now I know why I am sobbing and crying my soul out in public embarrassing myself badly. I did not know that I knew this song before, I did not once kept in mind that you played it before, but now since you were gone I think my brain is remembering and flashing to me every single little detail about you, causing me to break more every day. I run to the restroom and cry harder than I have ever did in my life, I am crying on the floor of the bathroom in a coffee shop in Kuwait City. Here come the flashbacks, here comes the sick memories of you holding me tight against your chest, whispering to me that I am home, in your words exactly, “this is home.” You said, about my hug. You said im your home, you said I’m your safe place.. I can’t believe you left your home; I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe that once we were there together, I was on your lap, I was in your embrace and I was safe. Was I really once with you?\r\n\tToday, I wake up without a nightmare and without any pain that led to you. Today I am okay so I decided to clean up my room; it’s been forever since I last did that. As I’m hanging all the clothes that were piled up on the floor I notice my Graduation gown, what a beautiful accomplishment of mine at the age of 20. I pull it out and put it on, and I smile at the memories that floated back to the presence. It was really hard for me to attend my last final exam remember? So you called my right before it and begged me nicely to walk in the class and get it done with, you told me you couldn’t get any prouder of me because I was done with my Bachelor’s Degree and oh my, thank you so much for helping me walk into my last final exam I wouldn’t have done it and got through it if it weren’t for your voice. I laugh quietly at the memories of the 17th of December, I can hear you asking me to meet you where we first said goodbye. I close my eyes and let the memory bring me back to life, I can see you get out of your car and run to me in the middle of the street, I can feel your hug and your happiness. I would never forget your happiness that was more than mine back then. “Get in the car” you asked me as you did so, I smile painfully at this memory, you held my face, you kissed my eyes, and you kissed my cheeks and my nose. You kept on telling me that you were so fucking happy for me. I was only happy because I saw you happy, because I saw you. Because of you. You then let me go and you drove back behind my car until you made sure I was home safe. Didn’t you know you were my home and you make me feel safe only? \r\nI wish we stopped at the 17th, I wish the world just froze back then and nothing ever happened after that because after the 17th you left me alone, you left me cold and scared. Without a fucking reason you only left me. Without home. \r\nIt’s how I lost a lot of weight and the shine of my soul, it’s how I was only a dead body sleeping throughout the day and crying all night. Even food did not taste like food, even food I forgot to eat for days and days until we met for one last time before you leave me forever. I can see me getting in your car back on the 6th of June, and you wouldn’t even look at me, you wouldn’t even let me touch you. I knew if only you made eye contact with me that day, you would’ve seen the emptiness I carry inside of me, you would’ve seen all the pain that wouldn’t fit inside of me anymore. But you never did the eye contact neither looked at me, you never placed your hand on mine to see how cold my skin felt, how dead I felt. You just kicked me out of your car and told me that I will forever be useless and stupid that no one will love me, because I am too weak. You drove away as soon as I closed the door, you did not make sure that I had a ride back home, you did not care about me anymore, like you did when we first met, when you treated me like a queen, when you actually opened the door for me and kissed my hand while I get out of the car calling me your lady. I can never let this memory slip out of my mind, because as much as its breaking me it still builds me a bit with every passing day you are gone. You shattered me to the very core and I was not alive ever since, you weren’t the man I fell for. You were a monster who fed on my soul and left as soon as you were strong to stand by your own. And here the flashbacks come unwelcomed back to my memory destroying me deeper and more than I ever did before. Ending me. \r\n\tBack in my dreams, I was sitting on a bench, holding my breath, looking at you walk away, without goodbye, you just left and I can feel my body turns to a stone, freezing without my soul. I cannot hear my heart beating anymore, I was dying slowly as you were walking away from me and nothing I could’ve done to make you stay, to make you love me like I will always love you. I open my eyes at the white bed, between the white walls and the florescent lighting, I know I am at the hospital, I know I have been so careless about my health. And I can feel my tears rolling down my eyes, even the hospital bring back memories and painful flashbacks about us, remember when we went to the hospital together so you’d run some blood tests, remember when you told me you were scared of needles and I laughed at you because you are a grown up man and that is funny. But I was there with you; I was beside you holding your hand as tight as ever. I couldn’t blink because I was scared something would happen to you. now, I am alone in here, without your hand to hold me and make sure I am doing fine. You were never there for me, my mind made you the superhero but you weren’t actually one. You were the villain all along, but sometimes we ignore all the red flags because simply, red is pretty. \r\n\t\r\n\tEven after you left, I can never sleep in peace neither live in peace. 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