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"first_page_text": "Rivals IV\nThe Journey\n \nWith the new season upon us you knew the write up was coming. I’ve been doing this for awhile, and to be honest it’s become more of a task every year. I do enjoy still making fun of your past weight issues, un-athleticism, family issues, etc. The list could go on forever, but with becoming more mature it’s difficult to write out satire I have used in years past. When we first met the maturity level was not there, and I can vouch for myself and say I was not ready to grow up. We were young in all facets of life. Our upbringings were complete opposites as we were raised in different areas. Edgewater Vs Davidsonville. A rivalry in itself and could not be more different. I grew up in Edgewater which is... I do not know if even Webster’s has come up with a word to describe the area. They enjoy slugging natural lights while chain smoking Newport’s after a long day of working their labor-intensive jobs, and that’s just the women. Uneducated rednecks roam the streets in search of perc 30s and dippers. They watch nascar in hopes of reliving the precious day their fathers said he loved them because Jeff Gordon won the Daytona 500. “All lives matter” mumbled in the Kmart parking lot as they ask for a light to spark up the loosie just purchased from the Riva BP. Many kids left fatherless but Trump fills the void of daddy issues. That’s Edgewater in a nutshell. You grew up in the more wholesome area of Davidsonville. Huge beautiful yards filled with the wildlife that only the Lord Jesus Christ could grace the land with. They drink whiskey on the rocks and the drug of choice seems to be skiing the slopes. Their pockets are deeper than the ocean floors and every household seems to own some type of business. They have dinner parties where they know the difference between napkins and paper towels. We grew up different and somehow we came together, and I’ve always had a soft spot for the journey of our friendship. Let us take it back to the early days, back to the field we go.\nYou were never the best at anything but you always gave 100%. Practice hero some might call you. At Practice you used to sweat, and the images haunt my dreams to this day. The consistency of the sweat was unusual. Thicker than most and had a distinct odor. Almost like a mixture precum and gravy were seeping through your pores. The smell reminded me of a dead animal carcass in china town on a hot summers’ day. Five minutes into every practice arose a complaint from you “coach, heart palpitations”. You had this make a wish foundation look about you. In games watching you try to keep up with any player with speed was a show. Generously, I would shout “I love the enthusiasm” as I watch my husky friend give some effort. After every missed tackle you would bounce hard off the beautiful Bermuda grass as if someone had dropped an infant from a 2 story balcony. It was quite noticeable how much your breast would jiggle. The other team would laugh shouting obscene things such as “look at his tits bounce”. We’d kindly chuckle about you then go about our business. Going topless was brave, but we knew it would cause issues. The biggest issue I had with you was I always felt you did not care if we won, at least it didn’t seem that way. I know you’d look forward to getting home to your snacks and rubbing one off to the thought of a buffet style breakfast. I am glad you turned your health around because diabetes is a disease, it is not a joke. I want you around for at least a couple more years.\nSpeaking of diseases, staph infection almost took you out faster than a package of wing dings on a lonely night in your basement. In hindsight it was kind of a big deal. Amputation was brought up and I just assumed it was because your body couldn’t handle anymore weight. You almost lost your arm. Man, just imagine how much funnier this would be if I could use that as material. My biggest concern was your chances of finding a nice girl to take home with this disability. Not that it would matter, the path you were on you’d end up alone with little Debbie being the only reoccurring action you’d see for years. Since the recovery you’ve been on a journey and the growth I’ve seen in you amazes me. We’ve been through a lot together and I’ve seen you do unmentionable things. Incriminating acts I would never spew over social media. Acts so unspeakable it makes Jerry Sanduskys crimes look like child’s play. Speaking of which one thing that continually shocked me over the years is the ability you had at picking up girls. I always admired that about you. It was easy and seemed so effortless. You could walk up to any girl, didn’t really matter if they were small, big, short, or tall, once they were unconscious you had no problem picking them up. Your success rate was unmatched.\n The success in that transferred over to life in general. I look up to you like the fat brother I never had. It’s not a shock that you are as successful as you are. You’ve always been money savvy. “More bang for your buck” was your class president slogan in high school. You called yourself a philanthropist because you said you were generously donating the class money for the welfare of others. We found out it meant you were just spending a ton of money on hookers. Which reminds me of our Atlantic City trip, but I’ll save that for the next write up. I personally don’t brag about my success often because it’s not who I am. No I’m not saying living on 3.37 acres isn’t neat. But I don’t need to bring it up, so I won’t. Do I have a steam room in my house, yes. Does it need to be put out there into the universe in a bragging manner, no.\nTo knock my own self down a peg, I absolutely sucked again in fantasy. So bad that I was actually in the butler bowl. Against Ryan of all people. Did I lose? No, I’m not a fucking peasant. But still it pains me to be in the bottom of the league. PJ, fucking PJ, won this year. The kid is one ball away from being the first transgender in the league. He shares the same qualities as Rosie O’Donnell and has the body to match it. His stature is that of a 7th grade softball pinch hitter with the arm strength of a infant. PJs arms remind me of a tube of sausage. He’ll never win again so let’s leave that alone. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen again. \nI’m on a mission this year. Aiming high and shooting for the stars. I will flat out tell you I’m winning it all. Every player, every game, every second will be point after point after point. Picture this... I win this year after an intense battle between two foes in what some would call the granddaddy of them all. You take the loss hard, harder than you could have imagined. Depression sinks in as your brain can’t get over the fact that I’m so god damn good at everything I’ve ever done. You turn to food and porn as your addictions of choice. Days are filled with disgusting, but tasteful, women and jelly filled doughnuts. Most mornings start with you filling the tub and plugging in the toaster. Not too high as you’ve always mimicked Naya Rivera’s swimming ability. You want to drop the toaster in but you fold like an origami swan, you’re a pussy at heart. The pounds have added, and the depression has deepened. You’ve been kicked out of every Long John Silvers in the state after bragging about how much pot you could inhale before each feast. I’d visit you from time to time to remind you how I was victorious in our battle. The amount of toys and candy wrappers on the floor makes me anxious, but I step in the door. “Let’s go in on one of these Wayfair cabinets” you’d ask with a child like grin. Of course I decline, but with those prices it was tempting. It’s oddly sticky on the floors, and the stains on the couch are concerning, but I try to ignore them. I can hear my sneakers rip from floor with every step as I make my way over to you. My pace slows with every movement, closer and closer I can begin to smell the pungent stench between your fat rolls mixed with the scent of KY. You reach for help up and I slap your filthy paws away knowing there is crumbs or baby making juice on them. My guess would be the latter. I throw a sports bra and a couple kraft cheese singlets on you before leaving. Right before walking out I place a picture frame of the score from the championship as a reminder, leaving with just one phrase “go fuck yourself you hefty bastard”. \n\n\n\n",
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